The New Bible – Numbers 14


The people are not happy at Moses for trying to take them to the Holy Land, which it turns out is full of super-strong kingdoms who for some reason don’t want to pack up and move somewhere else, so they rebel!

  1. The Israelites went out that night and complained, showing how ridiculously ungrateful they were by wishing that they had died in Egypt.

2. Moses and Aaron fell down before the people – perhaps they were having a nervous breakdown. The scouts tried to reassure the Israelites, but they weren’t having it.

3. “Let’s stone them to death!” One of the Israelites shouted. But before they could do anything, God appeared before them.

4. “How many times do I have to plague these people before they learn to shut up and do as I say?” God said, “Moses, these people are really pissing me off, and you’d better do something about it.”

5. “Maybe it’s because this is the first time they’ve actually seen you,” Moses suggested. “That might have something to do with it.”

6. Moses convinced God to spare the Israelites, which surprisingly, he did. “But not a single one of you here will live to see the Holy Land, so you’d better get ready to start wandering the desert aimlessly for God knows how long” God said to them.

7. So the Israelites were cursed by God to stay in the desert for forty years, until the last of them had died off. Makes me wonder if they were better off being killed instead.

8. The people tried to repent and ask for forgiveness, but this was before our good ol’ friend Jesus, so it was really a waste of their time.

9. Moses sent out some men to explore the land. It had to be new people, because the old ones were killed by God for spreading false rumors and reports about the land.

10. It was probably a stupid idea to send more people out, because now the Amalekites and the Canaanites attacked them. I can’t really blame them, considering the Israelites were about to go and kill them all anyway.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s