The New Bible – A Giant Leap Forward


It takes God and Moses AGES to lay out all of their laws and rules, and detail how exactly to burn animals as offerings, so I’ll just skip ahead a way because it doesn’t make for an interesting read if all they’re doing is making rules and building furniture. Numbers 10 seems to be about where they set off again.

  1. After building furniture and laying down the law, the Israelites chased the cloud of God out of the desert at Sinai, and they were off on their way. But not before spending several chapters counting everybody.

2. The Israelites, clearly not learning from their encounters with God before, decided that a good idea would be to complain about the lack of food. So they did.

3. And God, being the all loving, merciful God he was, burned with rage. How DARE they be mortal and need food whilst wandering through desert after desert!

4. So he threw fire at them and tried to kill them. Luckily the Israelites apologized, and just like that all was well again. But God was still pissed off, so he went to discuss it over a cup of tea with Moses.

5. “Seriously God, what have I done to deserve this?” Moses said, “They’re complaining to me too, and still you do not help us. They regret leaving Egypt, and all of this whining and complaining is getting annoying.”

6. “If this is how you are going to treat me, just kill me now” Moses said. “Don’t push your luck,” God replied, “But as a matter of fact I do have a solution: First, bring 70 of the elders to this tent, and I will share the burden so the Israelites can complain to all of you, instead of just you, Moses.”

7. The Lord continued, “I shall give your people meat, but as usual it won’t be without a catch. For daring to complain, I shall give them nothing but meat, until they are sick of the sight of it.”

8. So Moses went and gathered the Elders, and told the Israelites what the Lord had said. As the Lord blessed them, the elders started prophesying – but maybe it was just epilepsy or something, we don’t know.

9. So the Lord drove quail from the sea the next day, until the Israelites were almost drowning in the stuff. They went out and gathered it, but for some reason God was angry at them AGAIN, and chose to communicate this anger by striking them with a plague.

10. So they had to bury the people that died, too. Will any of the Israelites make it to the Holy land? Not if God keeps up like this.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at



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