The New Bible – Exodus 34


The Israelites are eager to continue on towards the Holy Land, but first Moses and God must recreate the stone tablets that Moses smashed in a temper tantrum.

  1. “You must chisel out some new tablets, and meet me on mount Sinai,” God commanded, “But no-one is to come with you or see me.”

2. “But why? Aren’t you actively working to keep yourself hidden?” Moses asked.

3. “I work in mysterious ways, remember. Besides, I like it when people disobey me so I can show off my power by punishing them. So shut the hell up and do as I say.” God replied angrily.

4. So Moses brought the two newly carved tablets up to mount Sinai for God to inscribe, and God made a covenant with Moses, which surprisingly didn’t include any weird rituals or burning dead animals.

5. “I will go with your people, and drive out your enemies before you,” God said, as much as his promises were worth, “Just make sure you follow my terms and conditions. Read them carefully, then click ‘agree’. You must not be friends with the people in the lands that I have given you, because they are barbarians and sacrifice to their gods, instead of to me.

6. You must also destroy their altars and places of worship, and never worship their gods, because I am a jealous god, if you hadn’t noticed already.

7. You must sacrifice the firstborn animals to me, and give me your firstborn sons. You must also celebrate my festivals, and remember the sabbath.

8. Remember that I hate nothing more than yeast, so don’t take it anywhere near my altars, and most importantly, and listen carefully because this is really important: Never boil a goat in it’s mother’s milk. That’s just messed up.”

9. Moses agreed to the terms and conditions, and the covenant was made. He then spent another 40 days and 40 nights up on top of the mountain, before returning to the Israelites with the new tablet. Let’s hope he doesn’t smash these too.

10. Now apparently speaking to God makes people’s faces glow. Moses came down the mountain and his face was radiant, and the Israelites, like the superstitious people they were, didn’t want to come near him. So Moses had to put a veil over his face in order not to freak anyone out. A bit weird, I know.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at



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