The New Bible – Exodus 25-31


Moses takes a break from writing down rules and making laws to build some furniture. How exciting! Moses’ anger management issues also start to show. This chapter also contains part of Exodus 32.

  1. God said to Moses: “Order the Israelites to build me a tabernacle, because I feel like burning meat is getting a little repetitive. I know you probably have better things to do, like a Holy Land to travel to, but I want to see some furniture.”

2. God continued, “It shall be made of gold and silver, with the finest of all materials you have at your disposal. Because we all know that money and worldly possessions are the root of all evil, so it’s better I take it all from you!”

3. The next five chapters are about God explaining in detail how to make everything, and exactly what to make it of. Moses got bored and fell asleep halfway through, and to save you the same fate let’s just skip this part.

4. “Now,” God said, “You must keep my covenant, and part of that is keeping the Sabbath holy. You must not work on the seventh day – you are to all sit around and do nothing, and let the whole place come to a standstill. Anyone who breaks this rule must be killed.”

5. “Whoa, God, isn’t that a bit harsh?” Moses asked. “I, the loving God, work in mysterious ways. So shut the hell up and do as you’re told!” The Lord replied.

6. When all of this was finished Moses set off back down mount Sinai, with the tablets in his arms and a notebook with all of God’s furniture-building manuals.

7. In the meantime the Egyptians had quickly forgotten the God – whose existence is supposed to be obvious – to worship an idol in the shape of a calf. Moses and the Lord saw this, and God was pissed.

8. “Let me destroy them completely and punish them for what they have done” God said, but Moses somehow convinced him otherwise.

9. “Do not punish them, otherwise all of this would have been in vain. Remember your promise to Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, and Joshua, and me…” Moses said, and God somehow let them off the hook.

10. But when Moses saw the Israelites and their calf up close, he was so furious he threw the tablets at the ground in a temper-tantrum. Bit of a stupid idea considering he just spent 40 days up a mountain in order to get them, I know.

Will Moses’ anger burn against the Israelites? Will God decide to just kill everyone and start over? Find out in the next episode of Dragonball Z… I mean the New Bible!

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at


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