The New Bible – Exodus 24

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God confirms the covenant with Moses that he is to drive out all of their enemies simply because they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.

  1. God said to the Israelites: “You are all to worship at a distance, and Moses alone is to approach me. Why? You ask, well, you know how I like playing games and making sure that there’s no solid evidence of my existence.”

2. So Moses wrote down all of the laws that he and God had given the Israelites, and he made an altar the next morning, with twelve pillars around it to represent the tribes of Israel.

3. Then he slaughtered some innocent bulls and burnt them at the altar, because God likes that for some reason. He also collected the blood and splashed it at the base of the altar, another thing this strange and sick God enjoys.

4. He then got some more blood, and threw it at his people. God’s covenant rituals are very odd, aren’t they?

5. The seventy elders of Israel went out with Moses and saw God strolling along, walking along a pavement made of lapis lazuli – who knows how it got there in the first place.

6. And God demonstrated what a kind and loving God he was by deciding not to kill them all for looking at him. Maybe he’s just shy.

7. And it was time for the Ten Commandments to be made. God told Moses to follow him up the mountain, and Moses, who had to be an old man by this point, climbed up after him.

8. A cloud descended upon the mountain, and Moses stayed up there for 40 days and 40 nights, with no food or water.

 

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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