The New Bible – Exodus 23


Moses lays down some more rules, and God makes some promises that he may or may not keep. Kind of hard to tell with that guy!

  1. God decided that because he had slept on the seventh day on the mythical story of creation that didn’t actually happen, everybody else had to rest too. It doesn’t matter if they don’t want to, it’s an order.

2. “Everybody is allowed to rest on the seventh day,” God said, “Everything must come to a grinding halt. No-one is to do any work, under penalty of death. And on every seventh year you’re not allowed to grow any crops, leave what is there for the poor and animals.”

3. God continued; “You’re also gonna have a festival to me three times a year, where your people must come before me with bread and offerings, and no yeast, because we all know that yeast is my worst enemy.

4. And don’t forget… NEVER cook a young goat in it’s mother’s milk.”

5. After the rather strange and random commands from God, he started giving out promises, which we all know is a bad idea.

6. “I am going to send an angel to lead you to the land which I have given you, as long as you obey my commands and do EXACTLY as I say. Do not rebel against him, or me, or you will not be forgiven.

7. I, the loving God, will strike down your enemies and destroy them, simply for the reason that they are in my way.” God said

8. The Lord carried on with his speech, clearly getting ahead of himself; “Do not worship their gods, and smash their altars and destroy their idols. I will strike terror and confusion into the hearts of your enemies, and make them flee.

9. And little by little, you shall take over their lands. Do not let the live among you, because they are even worse sinners than you lot!”

10. After God’s little tirade he pootled off back to his home in the sky, and the Israelites were wondering whether Satan was a safer deity to follow.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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