The New Bible – Exodus 22


God and Moses are still giving rules to the Israelites – It’s a miracle they’ve managed to survive this long without any laws! This edition of the New Bible also contains a section of Exodus 23.

  1. “If a thief breaks into your house then you are allowed to kill them, no questions asked. But if they do it during the day then you’re a murderer. Don’t ask me how the time of day is important, but it is” Moses said,

2. “Anybody who steals anything, starts a fire that destroys property, or lets their animals graze on another persons fields, must pay back double. But if they cannot afford it, then they must be sold into slavery.”

3. “If a man sleeps with a virgin who is already pledged to be married, he must pay her father, and don’t forget, sorceresses must be killed,” Moses explained,

4. “I don’t care if sorcery isn’t real, and I don’t know what the heck you’re supposed to do with sorcerers, but sorceresses must be killed.

5.  Now, while we’re on the topic of killing, anybody who has sexual relations with an animal must be killed, and anybody who takes advantage of a widow or the fatherless must be killed too. We will kill you with a sword, and make your wives widows and your children fatherless.”

6. Moses continued, “Despite all the murder and killing, our god.. I mean, the only god, is loving and compassionate, so you must treat foreigners well, and you’d better not blaspheme the name of the Lord or the name of your ruler – a.k.a me. While you’re at it, do not charge interest on loans to the needy, and don’t hold back any offerings to the Lord.”

7. God threw his two cents in too: “You must give me all of your firstborn sons and animals, as an offering. Why? Because I’m so bloody important, that’s why. Also, don’t eat animals torn apart by dogs… you know how I feel about leftovers, and I feel the exact same way about scraps and scavenging.”

8. Moses took over once again, because speeches were his specialty. “Don’t spread false witness, and don’t accept bribes.”

9. “Poor people deserve a trial, and should not be denied lawsuits, but make sure you don’t pick favorites, unlike God!”

10. “See? God and us primitive Israelites can come up with SOME decent rules!”

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at




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