The New Bible – Exodus 20


God was ready to give the Ten Commandments to Moses, but first he had to wait for Moses to climb up the mountain for the fiftieth time.

  1. So God spoke to Moses, revealing his ancient wisdom, which was actually just common sense. Well, except for the bits where God was just bolstering his ego.

2. “I am the Lord your God, er… I mean the only God, who brought you out of Egypt. So you shall worship no other Gods before me,” God said,

3. “You shall not make art. And you shall definitely not worship said art! I’m a jealous God, in case you didn’t notice, and I shall punish your children and children’s children for anything bad you do. I know it doesn’t make sense and it certainly isn’t fair, but what are you gonna do about it?”

4. The Lord continued, “You shall not use my name in vain, unlike I did just the other day when I stubbed my toe. And you shall remember my special day, for it was my day of rest after I poofed everything into existence… or maybe I sat back and let things unfold naturally for billions of years, I can never remember which.

5. And nobody shall be able to agree on which day this special day is. I’m not going to tell you who’s right, of course – you’ll figure it out when you die. Anyways, you must honor your parents, and not kill, or steal, or lie – you know, the stuff that’s already enforced all across the planet by all civilizations.

6. And you shall not covet your neighbor’s belongings. That guy who lives across the street from you is perfectly fine, just not your neighbor.”

7. God had finished his speech, and the people were afraid. “Don’t worry,” Moses said to them, “fear is an important part of God’s parenting, and we all have to both love him and fear him at the same time so as not to commit a sin which we will be sent to burn forever for.”

8. For some reason Moses words did not really reassure the Israelites, but they decided to go along with things anyway.

9. God told Moses to make an altar for him and burn dead animals on it, which we all know is God’s favorite pass time. He made sure to tell Moses not to use tools – maybe so that the world can know what a primitive religion the Israelites had.

10. “Oh, one last thing,” God said, “Don’t make steps on the altar, otherwise the wind could blow your clothes up, and we wouldn’t want that, now would we? Anyway, I’m off to have a cup of tea with Satan, see you guys later!”

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at

As a note, there will be a slight change to the posting schedule. New posts will be out every fourth day, as opposed to every third. After one year and 265 posts of such a rapid posting schedule, it’s become hard to keep such a format sustainable.


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