The New Bible – Exodus 19

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In Exodus 18 all Moses did was invent a bunch of Judges for his people and have a cup of tea with his father-in-law. In this chapter things get interesting, because the Israelites reach Mount Sinai and God decides it’s time to invent some rules.

  1. The Israelites camped at the base of Mount Sinai, and Moses went to find God.

2. God ‘descended’ onto the peak of Mount Sinai, which was kind of odd considering Heaven is not actually in the sky, according to most Christians. God called out to Moses from the top of the mountain.

3. “Yo, Moses!” God called, “Tell the Israelites how great I am, and that I saved them all and brought them out of Egypt, and tell them that they’d better keep my covenants, or I’l kill ’em all!”

4. Moses did as God commanded, and told the people that God had a giant ego and liked to brag a lot. God came back later and called out to Moses again.

5. “Hey Moses, it’s me again” God said, “I’m going to go down there and visit you, in the form of a giant cloud, of course, so that people will believe in me.”

6. “Why don’t you just come down here as a human – or whatever else you’re supposed to be” Moses asked. “Don’t you ever listen?” God said, “It’s because I work in mysterious ways, dumbass.”

7. God told Moses to make sure the people clean their tents and make the camp all nice, and that if anyone goes near the mountain they must be killed. A bit extreme, I know.

8. So for three days the Israelites did as they were told, and on the third day the mountain erupted. Plot twist! Sinai is actually a volcano! Anyways, God spoke to the Israelites through all the smoke and fire, and told Moses to climb up to the peak.

9. Once up at the peak of the volcano, God spoke to him, “Go back down and tell the people not to come near the mountain again, and go and fetch Aaron to come with you” God said.

10. “You made me climb all the way up this mountain just to send me back down to get Aaron? Why didn’t you just call out to him… Oh, yea, mysterious ways” Moses replied, and he climbed all the way back down to deliver God’s message.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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