The New Bible – Exodus 20

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God was ready to give the Ten Commandments to Moses, but first he had to wait for Moses to climb up the mountain for the fiftieth time.

  1. So God spoke to Moses, revealing his ancient wisdom, which was actually just common sense. Well, except for the bits where God was just bolstering his ego.

2. “I am the Lord your God, er… I mean the only God, who brought you out of Egypt. So you shall worship no other Gods before me,” God said,

3. “You shall not make art. And you shall definitely not worship said art! I’m a jealous God, in case you didn’t notice, and I shall punish your children and children’s children for anything bad you do. I know it doesn’t make sense and it certainly isn’t fair, but what are you gonna do about it?”

4. The Lord continued, “You shall not use my name in vain, unlike I did just the other day when I stubbed my toe. And you shall remember my special day, for it was my day of rest after I poofed everything into existence… or maybe I sat back and let things unfold naturally for billions of years, I can never remember which.

5. And nobody shall be able to agree on which day this special day is. I’m not going to tell you who’s right, of course – you’ll figure it out when you die. Anyways, you must honor your parents, and not kill, or steal, or lie – you know, the stuff that’s already enforced all across the planet by all civilizations.

6. And you shall not covet your neighbor’s belongings. That guy who lives across the street from you is perfectly fine, just not your neighbor.”

7. God had finished his speech, and the people were afraid. “Don’t worry,” Moses said to them, “fear is an important part of God’s parenting, and we all have to both love him and fear him at the same time so as not to commit a sin which we will be sent to burn forever for.”

8. For some reason Moses words did not really reassure the Israelites, but they decided to go along with things anyway.

9. God told Moses to make an altar for him and burn dead animals on it, which we all know is God’s favorite pass time. He made sure to tell Moses not to use tools – maybe so that the world can know what a primitive religion the Israelites had.

10. “Oh, one last thing,” God said, “Don’t make steps on the altar, otherwise the wind could blow your clothes up, and we wouldn’t want that, now would we? Anyway, I’m off to have a cup of tea with Satan, see you guys later!”

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As a note, there will be a slight change to the posting schedule. New posts will be out every fourth day, as opposed to every third. After one year and 265 posts of such a rapid posting schedule, it’s become hard to keep such a format sustainable.

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Jesus vs Muhammad

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One thing that the Biblical character Jesus had going for him was that he isn’t exactly what you would describe as evil. Sure, there are some things he said and did that were defiantly questionable, but for the most part it was his father that you had to look out for. The Islamic prophet of Muhammad is a slightly different story, however.

“Fight everyone in the way of Allah and
kill those who disbelieve in Allah.”
Muhammad (Ibn Ishaq 992)

“Love your neighbor and pray for those who persecute you.”
Jesus (Matthew 5:44)

All of this information featured is from thereligionofpeace.com, and I encourage everybody to visit this website.

Comparing Islam and Christianity

Muhammad…

Jesus…

Said Allah does not love
those who reject Islam.
(Quran 30:45, 3:32, 22:38)
Said God loves everyone. 
(John 3:16)
“I have been commanded to fight
against people till they testify that there
 is no god but Allah, and that Muhammad
 is the messenger of Allah”

(Muslim 1:33)
“He who lives by the sword
will die by the sword.”

(Matthew 26:52)
Stoned women for adultery.
(Muslim 4206)
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
(John 8:7)
Permitted stealing from unbelievers.
(Bukhari 44:668, Ibn Ishaq 764)
“Thou shalt not steal.”
(Matthew 19:18)
Permitted lying.
(Sahih Muslim 6303, Bukhari 49:857)
“Thou shalt not bear false witness.”
(Matthew 19:18)
Owned and traded slaves.
(Sahih Muslim 3901)
Neither owned nor traded slaves.
Beheaded 800 Jewish men and boys.
(Abu Dawud 4390)
Beheaded no one.
Murdered those who insulted him.
(Bukhari 56:369, 4:241)
Preached forgiveness.
(Matthew 18:21-22, 5:38)
“If then anyone transgresses
the prohibition against you,
Transgress ye likewise against him”
(Quran 2:194)
“If someone strikes you on the right
cheek, turn to him the other also.”
(Matthew 5:39)
Jihad in the way of Allah elevates one’s position in Paradise by a hundred fold.
(Muslim 4645)
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for
they will be called Sons of God”
(Matthew 5:9)
Married 13 wives and kept sex slaves.
(Bukhari 5:268, Quran 33:50)
Was celibate.
Slept with a 9-year-old child.
(Sahih Muslim 3309, Bukhari 58:236)
Did not have sex with children.
Ordered the murder of women.
(Ibn Ishaq 819, 995)
Never harmed a woman.
“O you who believe!  Fight those of the
 unbelievers who are near to you
and let them find in you hardness.”

(Quran 9:123)
“Blessed are the meek, for
they shall inherit the earth.”

(Matthew 5:5)
Ordered 65 military campaigns
and raids in his last 10 years.
(Ibn Ishaq )
Ordered no military campaigns, nor
offered any approval of war or violence. 
Killed captives taken in battle.
(Ibn Ishaq 451)
Never took captives.
Never killed anyone.
Encouraged his men to rape enslaved women.
(Abu Dawood 2150, Quran 4:24)
Never encouraged rape.
Never enslaved women.
Demanded captured slaves and
a fifth of all other loot taken in war.
(Quran 8:41)
“The Son of Man came not
to be served, but to serve.

(Matthew 20:28)
Was never tortured, but tortured others.
(Muslim 4131, Ibn Ishaq 436, 595, 734, 764)
Suffered torture, but never tortured anyone.
“And fight them until there is no more persecution and religion is only for Allah”
(Quran 8:39)
“Love your enemies and pray
for those who persecute you

(Matthew 5:44)
Blessed the brutal murder of a half-blind man
(al-Tabari 1440)
Healed a blind man
(Mark 8:28)
Ordered a slave to build the very pulpit
from which he preached Islam.
(Bukhari 47:743)
Washed his disciples feet.
(John 13:5)
What are the Greatest Commandments?
“Belief in Allah and Jihad in His cause”
(Muslim 1:149)
What are the Greatest Commandments?
“Love God and love thy neighbor as thyself.”
(Matthew 22:34-40)
Demanded the protection of armed bodyguards, even in a house of worship
(Quran 4:102)
Chastised anyone attempting
to defend him with force.
(John 18:10-12)
Died fat and wealthy from what was
taken from others in war or
demanded from others in tribute.
Demanded nothing for himself. 
Died without possessions.
Advocated crucifying others.
(Quran 5:33, Muslim 16:4131)
Was crucified himself.
According to his followers:
Had others give their lives for him.
(Sahih Muslim 4413)
According to his followers:
Gave his life for others.
(John 18:11 and elsewhere)
Differences Between
Early Muslims and Christians

Muhammad’s
 Companions…

Jesus’s 
Disciples…

Lived as warriors. Lived like harmless hippies.
Slew and persecuted religious minorities. Were slain and persecuted
 as a religious minority.
Emphasis on Jihad (the way of Muhammad)

“He who fights that Allah’s word should
be superior fights in Allah’s cause”

(Bukhari 53:355)
Emphasis on Evangelism (the way of Jesus)

“Go ye into all the world and preach
the gospel to every creature”

(Matthew 15:16)

Attacked and conquered the populations in
parts of 28 modern countries in just the first
three decades following Muhammad’s death.

Did not resort to violence of any sort,
despite tremendous persecution.

Declared holy war on the people of five
major world religions in just the first
100 years following Muhammad’s death.

Went centuries without declaring ‘holy war’.

Plundered and lived off the wealth of others. Gave away their possessions to those in need.
(Acts 2:44-45)
Captured and enslaved non-Muslim people. Considered themselves to be slaves of others.

Waged war to keep members from leaving
 the religion.  Put apostates to death.

No record of aggression toward apostates.

Muhammad’s own family members quickly
fell into armed warfare against each other.

Jesus’ disciples never resorted to violence
against one another (or anyone else).

First 240 Years:
11 of the first 32 caliphs were
murdered by fellow Muslims.

First 240 Years:
14 of the first 25 popes were martyred by
 pagans (none by fellow Christians).

Caliphs were polygamous and maintained  harems of hundreds of captured sex slaves. Popes were expected to be celibate.
Islamic mosques sustained by taxes forced from subjugated non-Muslims (the jizya). Christian churches sustained
by voluntary tithes from Christians.
Differences Between
Islamic Teaching and Christianity

The Quran

The Bible

External sources (the Hadith and Sira) necessary for translating the Quran Historical context contained
within the text of the Bible
Must know Arabic in order to “fully understand” the Quran (according to Muslim apologists) Universal.  Can be translated into other languages without excessive commentary.
Chronological progression of the
Quran is from peace to violence.
Chronological progression of the
 Bible is from violence to peace.
The words ‘torture’ and ‘punishment’ appear six times more often in the Quran than in the New Testament. The word ‘love’ appears five times more often in the New Testament than than in the Quran,
Contains not a single original moral value. The ‘Sermon on the Mount’ and others.
Suffering is an excuse for violent revenge
and establishment of Islam by force

“And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution [of Muslims] is worse than slaughter [of non-believers]…and fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah.”
(Quran 2:191)

Suffering builds character

“We also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering
produces perseverance; perseverance,
 character; and character, hope”

(Romans 5:4)

Emphasis on this World

“And Allah has made you heirs to their land
and their dwellings and their property”

(Quran 33:27)

Emphasis on the Next

“Mine is not a kingdom of this world”
(John 18:36, see also Luke 14:33)

Kill, convert or subjugate Christians and Jews.
(Quran 9:29)
Share one’s faith with gentleness and respect.
(1 Peter 3:15)
Martyrs as Killers

“Allah hath purchased of the believers their persons and their goods; for theirs (in return) is the garden (of Paradise): they fight in His cause, and slay and are slain”
(Quran 9:111)
Martyrs as Martyrs

“As it is written, For thy sake we are
killed all the day long; we are
counted as sheep for the slaughter”
(Romans 8:36)
Killing Apostates

“They but wish that ye should reject Faith, as they do, and thus be on the same footing (as they): But take not friends from their ranks until they flee in the way of Allah (From what is forbidden). But if they turn renegades, seize them and slay them wherever ye find them”
(Quran 4:89, also Bukhari 52:260, 83:37…)
Letting God Judge Apostates

“For we know Him that has said,
‘Vengeance belongs unto me, I will
 recompense,’ says the Lord.  And again,
‘The Lord shall judge his people'”
(Hebrews 10:25-30)
Punishment

“Let not compassion move you
 from carrying out God’s law…”
(Quran 24:2)

Mercy

“Love is patient.  Love is kind…
It keeps no record of wrongs”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

Charity and Non-Believers

Mercy toward fellow Muslims – ruthlessness toward unbelievers.  Muslims are warned not to befriend those outside the faith.  They must even ensure that their charity tithe (zakat)
stays within their own identity group.
(Quran 48:29, 3:28, Sharia)

Charity and Non-Believers

Christians are specifically told that even
 those who hate them are entitled to
kindness and charity.  They should be loved
and cared for as surely as any fellow believer.
(Mark 10:25-37)

The Qur’an explicitly instructs men to
beat disobedient wives – as a last resort.
(Quran 4:34, Sahih Muslim 2127)

“Husbands, love your wives and
do not be harsh with them.”

(No permission to beat women)

(Colossians 3:19)

Explicitly allows Muslim men to rape their female slaves, even those already married.
(Quran 4:24, 70:29-30, 23:5-6…)
Tells masters and slaves to serve
each other as if serving God.
(Ephesians 6:7-9)
Muhammad is the messenger
 of Allah. And those who are with him
are ruthless to the unbelievers”
(Quran 48:29)
“Do good to them that hate you”
(Luke 6:27)
Allah wills unbelievers to stray and be lost
(Quran 16:93)
God wants all people saved
(1 Timothy 2:4)
Warns Against Questioning Faith. 
(Quran 5:101-102)
Welcomes Intellectual Challenge. 
(1 Peter 3:15)
Violence as Virtue

“Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye
dislike it.  But it is possible that ye
dislike a thing which is good for you, and
that ye love a thing which is bad for you.
  But Allah knoweth, and ye know not.”
(Quran 2:216)

Violence as Sin

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but
leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written:
 ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy
 is hungry,  feed him… ‘”
(Romans 12:19-20)

Hell for unbelief. 
Good deeds count for naught
(Quran 18:102-107)
Hell for bad deeds and the
failure to do what is right
(Romans 2:6-8, Matthew 16:27, Matthew 25:41-45)
Judging

“Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites!  Be harsh with them…”
(Quran 9:73)

Judge Not

“For when you pass judgment on another person, you condemn yourself…”
(Romans 2:1)

Taking wealth from others

“Allah promiseth you much
booty that ye will capture…”
(Quran 48:20)

Working for and giving wealth to others

“The thief must no longer steal but must
work hard and do what is good with his
own hands, so that he might have
something to give to the needy.”

(Ephesians 4:28)

Calls down Allah’s curse on Christians
and those of other religions.
(Quran 9:30)
Calls down God’s blessing on
those who curse Christians.
(Matthew 5:44)

Arrogance & Privilege

“Ye are the best of peoples,
evolved for mankind”

(Quran 3:110)

Humility & Servitude

“If anyone wants to be first, he must make himself last of all and servant of all.”
(Mark 9:35)

“O you who believe! do not take My
enemy and your enemy for friends:
Would you offer them love while they deny what has come to you of the truth?
(Quran 60:1)
“Love your enemies…”
(Luke 6:27)

As a disclaimer, I did not create this chart – it was created by the people over at thereligionofpeace.com. I am merely featuring it here on Counter Creationist, for I feel it would be more productive than just posting the link.

Image courtesy of Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot (What a name!) at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The New Bible – Exodus 19

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In Exodus 18 all Moses did was invent a bunch of Judges for his people and have a cup of tea with his father-in-law. In this chapter things get interesting, because the Israelites reach Mount Sinai and God decides it’s time to invent some rules.

  1. The Israelites camped at the base of Mount Sinai, and Moses went to find God.

2. God ‘descended’ onto the peak of Mount Sinai, which was kind of odd considering Heaven is not actually in the sky, according to most Christians. God called out to Moses from the top of the mountain.

3. “Yo, Moses!” God called, “Tell the Israelites how great I am, and that I saved them all and brought them out of Egypt, and tell them that they’d better keep my covenants, or I’l kill ’em all!”

4. Moses did as God commanded, and told the people that God had a giant ego and liked to brag a lot. God came back later and called out to Moses again.

5. “Hey Moses, it’s me again” God said, “I’m going to go down there and visit you, in the form of a giant cloud, of course, so that people will believe in me.”

6. “Why don’t you just come down here as a human – or whatever else you’re supposed to be” Moses asked. “Don’t you ever listen?” God said, “It’s because I work in mysterious ways, dumbass.”

7. God told Moses to make sure the people clean their tents and make the camp all nice, and that if anyone goes near the mountain they must be killed. A bit extreme, I know.

8. So for three days the Israelites did as they were told, and on the third day the mountain erupted. Plot twist! Sinai is actually a volcano! Anyways, God spoke to the Israelites through all the smoke and fire, and told Moses to climb up to the peak.

9. Once up at the peak of the volcano, God spoke to him, “Go back down and tell the people not to come near the mountain again, and go and fetch Aaron to come with you” God said.

10. “You made me climb all the way up this mountain just to send me back down to get Aaron? Why didn’t you just call out to him… Oh, yea, mysterious ways” Moses replied, and he climbed all the way back down to deliver God’s message.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The New Bible – Exodus 17

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Moses and his people are still in the desert, and although God solved their hunger problem, they still have no water.

  1. The Israelites started to run low on water, and they did the only thing they knew how – complain.

2. “Did you bring us out here to do the Pharaoh’s work for him and kill us?” They whined.

3. “You already accused me of that last time. Come up with a new complaint. But don’t worry, I’ll go talk to God.” Moses replied.

4. So Moses complained to God, asking him what to do.

5. “Do not worry, I shall make a miracle happen and give you water. Just do as I say” God replied.

6. “You could just make it rain. It would save me having to do anything” Moses said. “But then how would I be able to show off how great I am?” God asked.

7. God told Moses to tap a nearby rock with his staff, and at once water started flowing from it. A simple little magic trick on God’s part, but the Israelites were suitably impressed.

8. But a happy ending is far from sight, and quite frankly damn near impossible if God is around. The Amalekites attacked the Israelites, and Moses sent forth Joshua and some of his men to fight them.

9. To give them all credit though, at least they weren’t the ones doing the attacking this time, but for all we know God could have made the Amalekites attack them.

10. God said he would help Moses win, but as usual there was a catch. Moses had to stand up on a hill all day with his staff in his hand and his arms held up.

11. Why? Who knows. I guess God works in mysterious ways. What I find more insane is how that single battle lasted all day.

12. Moses ended up winning, which is just a well or God would need to find some new chosen people.

13. The Lord said that because the Amalekites attacked them, he would be at war with them forever. What he means by that, of course, is that he will make other people be at war with them for him.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Did God commit incest?

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The Holy Trinity really does make for some messed up scenarios, and this is just one of them.

We’ve already gone over the idea that God has multiple personality disorder, due to the fact that he and Jesus are so radically different in their teachings, but what if the three of them committed incest as well?

The story of the birth of Jesus goes that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, and she gave birth to Jesus. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well, asides from the weird ghost and all of that stuff, but pretty normal for the Bible.

Well, things get a bit stranger when you take into account that essentially, Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit are technically all the same thing. If the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, doesn’t that also mean Jesus impregnated her? Is Jesus his own father? I mean God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit have to all be the same thing, otherwise Jesus would be the son of the Holy Spirit, not of God. And if Jesus impregnated his own mother, that means he, God and the Holy spirit committed incest.

Now, one could argue that Mary has no biological connection to the divine, so therefor technically didn’t commit actual incest, but it’s at least verging on the edge of it, and still a very weird scenario. Just like if you take into account the fact that we’re all apparently God’s children. Even if not biologically, the metaphorical meaning and message here is just a tad off.

And to all the Christians arguing that sex before marriage is wrong, consider this – God was never married to Mary when she gave birth to Jesus.

Now this is really just an idea that I’m throwing out, and I’ve honestly got no idea whether this could really be used as an argument of any kind, but nevertheless I thought I’d talk about it for discussion’s sake.

 

 

The New Bible – Exodus 16

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All that really happened in chapter 15 was that the Israelites sung God a really, really long song about how great he was. Moses also threw some wood into a pond and that somehow purified the water. Science 101!

  1. Moses led the Israelites through some various deserts, only just managing to keep them all alive.

2. The Israelites complained to Moses that they had run out of food, so Moses went and complained to God.

3. “I will make bread fall from the sky, inbetween my murderous rampages, that is,” God said, “Every day you must go out and gather it, and make sure you gather twice as much before the Sabbath.”

4. And of course, like most of God’s promises, there was a catch. None of the Israelites were allowed to keep any leftovers, because as we learnt earlier, God hates those.

5. God’s promises are rarely straightforward, so much so that bread didn’t actually rain from the sky – flour did. ‘Thin flakes like frost’ covered the ground when the Israelites woke up, and the Israelites had to gather it and turn it into bread themselves.

6. So the Israelites did as Moses commanded, but many of them disobeyed him and kept the leftovers. After all the stuff they’d seen God do, they STILL disobeyed him! Or maybe God was just controlling them like he did to the Pharaoh.

7. This pissed God off, but instead of killing anybody, he just made the bread go rotten and moldy.

8. The Israelites reached the seventh day without anybody getting killed by God – now that’s a real miracle if you ask me!

9. But they disobeyed God again and went to search for bread, even when Moses had told them there would be none.

10. “Moses, control these desert savages of yours!” God commanded, “It’s not my fault! They just have a problem with obeying authority” Moses replied.

11. “Well, it’ll be the death of them sooner or later” God grumbled.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net