The New Bible – Exodus 14


The Israelites are off trying to make it to the Holy Land, but God’s not ready to let them leave yet – he’s just got a little more messing about with the Egyptians to do.

  1. God told Moses to make camp near the sea, to trick the Pharaoh into thinking that they were lost.

2. “I will harden the Pharaoh’s heart again, and he will come after you, probably as revenge for the whole plaguing and killing thousands of people thing that we did,” God explained, “But this will be a great excuse to show off my powers again.”

3. When the Israelites set up camp, word reached the Pharaoh, and, totally not just doing what God made him, the Pharaoh ordered his army to get ready for battle. Finally, this book is getting interesting!

4. Apparently, the Pharaoh hated the Egyptians SO much, that he sent his entire army after them!

5. The Israelites saw the army, and complained to Moses, clearly not aware that there was an all-powerful God stalking them. “Were all the cemeteries full? Is that why you and God led us out here to die?” They asked Moses.

6. “Shut up, you ungrateful bastards. Stand and face them, and watch as God leads us to victory!” Moses exclaimed. Nothing happened.

7. “Um, actually Moses,” God said, “You’re supposed to turn around and run away. Off you go. Hurry now.”

8. Moses and the Israelites ran away, towards the sea, with the Pharaoh’s men chasing them.

9. God must have run out of mana or something, because he didn’t part the sea immediately. He just made some fancy smokescreen between the two armies, and they set up camp for the night.

10. “Um, Pharaoh, there’s a big cloud in our way” a soldier complained.

11. “Can’t you just walk through it?” The Pharaoh asked, raising an eyebrow.

12. “But, but, it’s a cloud” The soldier replied.

13. So the Egyptian army waited all night, and God helped Moses and the Israelites cross the sea, holding the water back for them.

14. When the Israelites were all safely across it was morning, and the Egyptians had seen what had happened. They charged off, not even thinking about the fact that the being who was holding the water back was a psychopathic mass-murderer.

15. But God had personally tampered with the Egyptians’ chariots, and they were too slow. “Oops” God said, letting the sea flow back and cover the pass.

16. Every single Egyptian was killed, and all so God could show off how powerful he was. The Israelites repaid God for his act of mass-murder by singing him a song, but that’s for the next chapter!

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