The New Bible – Exodus 13


The Israelites had just left Egypt, but their journey was only just beginning.

  1. “Commemorate this day, Israelites, because today is the day that God brought you out of Egypt. God is finally going to keep his promise to Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, and Joseph… too bad they’re all dead.” Moses said.

2. “Anyway,” Moses continued, “If you didn’t hear my speech, I told you all that God hates yeast for some reason, and none of you must eat anything that contains it.

3. You must give the Lord every firstborn animal of yours, because God likes the smell of burning flesh.”

4. “Isn’t this God of ours a little weird?” One of Moses’ people asked, “Of course not! Oh, yea, God also says you must redeem a lamb for every donkey, otherwise you must break it’s neck. Not weird in the slightest” Moses replied.

5. God didn’t tell the Israelites to follow the road, because he thought if they encountered enemies they would turn around and run back to Egypt, despite how horrible it apparently was. So God led the Israelites towards the Red Sea.

6. Moses remembered the Israelites oath to Joseph, and he was better at keeping promises than God, so he carried Joseph’s bones with him, to be taken to the Holy Land.

7. Instead of teleporting the Israelites to the Holy Land, God made them walk, because it would make a more interesting story.

8. God was with Moses, and he led his people towards the sea. Luckily the Israelites had an active volcano to head towards, because nobody had any idea where they were going.

9. You would have thought that God would give the Egyptians a break after the various plagues that they had been through, but no, God had one final idea for how he could show off to everybody.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at


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