The New Bible – Exodus 11 & 12


God is almost finished showing off his power to the Pharaoh, and decides to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people.

  1. God said to Moses, “I will plague the Egyptians once more for good measure, and then your people will be freed.”

2. “You’d better not make him change his mind again” Moses replied, shaking his fist. “Don’t worry about it, The Pharaoh’s gonna be so angry he’ll not just free you, but he’ll chase you out of Egypt and try to kill you!” God replied happily.

3. “I’m not sure I like the sound of that…” Moses said. “Relax, I’ve got it all figured out” God reassured him. But if God’s other promises were anything to go by, Moses had good reason to be worried.

4. “Now, here’s what I’m gonna do,” God explained, “At midnight, I will go through Egypt, and I will kill every single firstborn Egyptian in the land, including their animals, who are already dead from that other plague I did earlier.”

5. God had made his decision, and there was no stopping him. So that night he became a psychopathic mass-murderer, and wrecked havoc on the Egyptians. But no Israelite died, because God was smart enough to tell them apart.

6. But just before all that happened, Moses gave one of his soon-to-be-many speeches. “People, I know you had your doubts, but God’s going to finally come through for us! Prepare your stuff, soon we will be free!” Moses said, “Take a load of baby animals: We shall slaughter them all in the middle of the night, and smear their blood all over the walls of the Egyptians’ houses! Not sick in the slightest, I know! Then we will eat bread, but it can’t have yeast – God’ll kill us if we use yeast, he hates it!”

7. “You have to eat it in a specific way with special eating clothes, and burn all leftovers!” Moses said. By the time he was done with his speech it was morning, and the Pharaoh came up to him.

8. “Get out of my kingdom! Go and worship your sick God in the wilderness, just get out!” The Pharaoh ordered. The Egyptians wanted the Israelites to leave too.

9. “Get out, go away before more of us die!” They said. But Moses didn’t know when to stop pushing his luck. He left, but first he asked for a ton of stuff, including gold, silver and clothes – because they can’t go wandering about the wilderness naked, now can they?

10. So the 600,000+ Israelites all left Egypt, and set up camp somewhere, happy that they were finally free. Egypt must’ve felt pretty empty…

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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