David is said to be the ancestor of Jesus Christ himself, which is kind of difficult considering that Jesus is God and God existed forever.
God get’s pissed because the king of Israel, Saul, refuses to wipe out the Amalekites, which the loving and moral God commanded him to do, and instead of forgiving him like he’s supposed to, he sets about replacing him.
God chose somebody to replace Saul, and sent Samuel, one of his minions, to go and anoint him.
Now instead of just smiting Saul and getting it over with, God decides to do some of his classic manipulation, and torments Saul with an ‘evil spirit’ that he must’ve borrowed from Satan, and it only went away when David played the lyre.
Then comes the classic David and Goliath moment, where David somehow manages to kill a giant with a little sling. To thank him, Saul plots to kill David, because he’s getting worried. After all, God did promise to replace him, and this new guy seemed to be quite popular.
God could have just prevented this from happening, but decides to watch and leave it up to chance. Luckily, David is warned by one of Saul’s sons, and when the king tries to stab him, he flees.
Saul sends men to David’s house, and again somebody has to pick up the slack for God and warn David again! Once more David escapes, and flees to another city.
God’s still not done having his fun, so makes Saul walk around naked, prophesying. It must have looked like the king was having a mental breakdown.
David moves from city to city, as Saul tries to hunt him down. David and his men hide in a cave in the desert, and when Saul and his three thousand men show up they plan to ambush the king when he goes into the cave to pee. Real classy.
But David instead decides to spare him, just cutting up his robe for good measure. Saul returns the favor – the sparing part, that is, and all is well again.
David then spends many, many chapters going from place to place, wiping out the odd army here and there. God really is taking his time replacing Saul.
David completes God’s orders and wipes out the Amalekites, and Saul commits suicide.
David is anointed king – finally – and he goes to war with the houses of Saul. David wins, of course, and goes on to capture Jerusalem and defeat the Philistines, all very quickly.
God the decides to do some complaining, and bugs David to build him an actual altar for once, because so far nobody had gotten around to it.
Several more peoples and tribes are wiped out, but David, not learning from Saul’s example, sins against God. He seduces one of his commander’s wives, and kills her husband. This pisses God off, and people begin plotting against him, forcing him to flee from his kingdom.
one of David’s sons, Absalom, leads the charge against him, and in a comical fashion gets stuck in a tree during the battle of the wood of Ephriam. Absalom is killed and David is undisputed king once more, at least until another rebellion arrives.
David’s oldest son declares himself king when David is old and on his deathbed, but David tells him to piss off and chooses somebody else instead. The subsequent revolt led by his son is destroyed, and David dies.
What have we learnt about David? He’s a real leader, who will do exactly as he’s told! God made sure he had a real puppet who would carry out his orders of mass murder. David is also guilty of adultery, but God didn’t really seem to care about it that much in the long run.
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