The New Bible – Exodus 9


The Pharaoh still won’t let Moses’ people go, despite all of the things that have happened to him already. God’s next ‘miracles’ are a bit more destructive.

  1. Moses was pissed off that the Pharaoh had lied to him again, and, completely ignoring the fact that it was God’s fault, went for revenge.

2. “Now Pharaoh,” Moses said, “unless you let my people go, God’s gonna kill all of your animals.”

3. The Pharaoh refused yet again, so God did what he did best – punish others for the sins of the people he doesn’t like.

4. All across Egypt every cow, sheep, goat, camel, ox, and anything else the Egyptians used, suddenly collapsed down dead.

5. “Meh, I’m not impressed, you’ll have to do better than that!” the Pharaoh exclaimed, still refusing to free Moses’ people.

6. So Moses threw some dust into the air, and God struck the Egyptians with boils. The plague was so bad that not even the Pharaoh’s magicians, who seemed to be slacking off, could stand before Moses and Aaron.

7. The Pharaoh didn’t let Moses and his people go, hoping that he could outlast the plagues, so Moses got ready to unleash yet another plague upon them.

8. The Lord said to Moses, “Now, go to the Pharaoh tomorrow and do your usual speech, but make sure to tell him that God is super-powerful and amazing and all, and that he could wipe them from the face of the earth, but he has let them live specifically to show them his power.”

9. So Moses finally discovered why God was hardening the Pharaoh’s heart – he was an insecure being who wanted to show everybody how tough and amazing he was.

10. Moses did as the Lord commanded, and warned them that he would send a great hailstorm to plague them if his demands weren’t met. In fact, the hail would be so bad that it would kill them if they stood out in it long enough.

11. The Egyptians hurried to bring their slaves and livestock inside – yes, the livestock that God had killed not too long ago – and God sent a storm so powerful that it outdid anything Egypt had ever seen before.

12. But luckily the Israelites had umbrellas, so they were fine.

13. When the storm had passed all of the trees were stripped of their leaves, and all of the crops were destroyed. You would have thought that there would be a huge famine with all of the destroyed crops and dead animals, but surprisingly there wasn’t.

14. The Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron to his house, and said to them, “Alright, you win. God’s too powerful, your people can set off for the wilderness tomorrow.”

15. “Hmm…you’ve said that twice before and lied, but maybe third time’s the charm!” Moses said, “See you tomorrow!”

16. But the Lord hardened the Pharaoh’s heart again, so he would not let them go. Jesus Christ, Moses must be either very gullible or very stupid. Maybe both.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at



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