Abraham was one of the first people God stalked, shortly after he got bored of Noah. Abraham’s life wasn’t quite as adventurous as maybe Moses or Jacob, but nonetheless he got up to some stuff.
One day Abraham was told by God to leave his people and go somewhere else, for he was going to make Abraham a ruler of a great nation – another one of God’s empty promises. God certainly took his time though, because Abraham was already 75 when he set off.
There was a famine in the land, so Abraham traveled down to Egypt, where he made his wife pretend to be his sister, because otherwise the Egyptians would kill him or something. Of all the people in Egypt, Abraham me the Pharaoh (what luck!) who proceeded to marry his wife. God saw what had happened and cursed the Pharaoh, even though he had no idea he was doing anything wrong.
The Pharaoh must have been pissed off at this point, because he kicked Abraham out of Egypt. Abraham traveled north once again and set up base in Bethel, building one of his many altars. Abraham kept building altars all over the place while kings with long names fought several wars.
One day the Lord saw all the altars and decided to make a covenant with Abraham. He made Abraham cut up a bunch of animals and then go to sleep, where he had a dream and God made all sorts of bold promises – promises which he either never fulfilled or finally completed a few hundred years later.
Abraham woke from his dream and wanted an heir to inherit all of his stuff, but Sarah couldn’t bear him a child, so Abraham went off and impregnated one of his servants, who bore him a son which God had already assigned a name and a life story.
Of course, the Bible wouldn’t be complete with out a couple of catches in it, and this story is no different. God promised Abraham all sorts of stuff, but then came back later and told him that he had to commit self-mutilation. Classic God!
So Abraham and all of his people circumcised themselves, and when they were done God came over for dinner. He was a complete freeloader, and God tells Abraham of his plan to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.
Abraham asks God to spare them, but he refuses. God does say that he will spare any righteous people in the cities, but for some reason God could only find one family.
As God was happily smiting cities with fire and brimstone, Abraham built a couple more altars and pretended that his wife was his sister again. Once again, somebody married his wife and invoked the wrath of God. This time it was Abimelek, who became good friends with Abraham and paid him lots of money to make him go away.
Sarah, Abraham’s wife, bore him a son, just as God had said at their dinner party earlier that week, and he was named Isaac. When Isaac was older Abraham thought he heard a voice telling him to sacrifice his son, which he went to do without question. Luckily God stepped in just before Isaac was killed, claiming that it was all a test, and that he didn’t really want human sacrifice – but it all seems a bit suspicious if you ask me.
Abraham had plenty more children, and when Sarah died he bought a cave that was being offered to him for free and buried her there. Abraham found Isaac a wife as his last act, and promptly collapsed down dead – and about time too, he was a hundred and seventy five years old!
So that concludes the life of Abraham, a kind of normal Biblical guy who was obsessed with building altars and pretending that his wife was his sister.
He’s certainly not one of the worst ‘protagonists’ in the Bible, nor is he even morally questionable, but he did nearly murder his child because a voice in his head told him too… so he may have been just a touch insane.
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