The New Bible – Exodus 8


God is still helping Moses and Aaron plague the Egyptians with all kinds of creatures. Turning the Nile into blood didn’t work, but God’s not out of ideas yet!

  1. Seven days passed, and Moses and Aaron returned to the Pharaoh.

2. “Now Pharaoh, you’d better let our people wander off into the wilderness or God will make millions of frogs come up out of the Nile, they will infest your houses and everything, and the ground will just turn into a sea of frogs!” Aaron said.

3. The Pharaoh refused, so Aaron and Moses stretched their hands out over the Nile, which God must have tuned back into water at some point, and hundreds of frogs started coming up out of the water, just like they had said.

4. God must have been popping frogs into existence or something, and eventually the Pharaoh got so annoyed he went to Moses and said, “Alright, you win. Get rid of these Goddamn frogs and I’ll let your people go.”

5. So Moses made all of the frogs suddenly collapse down dead, and the noise of millions of tiny bodies falling to the ground echoed across Egypt. The Pharaoh told Moses to come back the next day, and even though the land stunk of dead frogs, the Pharaoh was relieved.

6. But next comes some Biblical trickery, because when Moses came back the next day the Pharaoh refused to free his people, for God had hardened his heart again.

7. “You dirty rotten liar!” Moses exclaimed, “I’m gonna plague you so bad!”

8. So Moses summoned a plague of gnats – you know, those annoying little insects. But the Pharaoh wouldn’t listen, so Moses came back the next day and summoned another plague – this time a plague of flies.

9. “Why don’t you  just offer sacrifices here in Egypt?” the Pharaoh asked, trying to see through the cloud of flies. “No, then we can’t escape… I mean, we’re afraid the Egyptians will stone us” Moses replied.

10. “Fine, you can go off into the wilderness tomorrow and sacrifice to your God, just get rid of these insects” the Pharaoh said. Moses left and prayed to the Lord, and all of the flies disappeared, and the Egyptians looked like people again, instead of seething masses of flies.

11. But God hardened the Pharaoh’s heart again, so he would not let them go. Maybe God’s just having some fun. Either way, Moses was probably kicking himself for not seeing it coming.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at



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