The New Bible – Exodus 5


God tries to help the Israelites, but only makes things worse. But I  guess he works in mysterious ways!

  1. So Moses, Aaron and the Israelite elders went to the Pharaoh. “God said that you are supposed to let us all go out into the wilderness for a few days and sacrifice animals  to him,” Moses said.

2. “You’ve got to be kidding! Do you really think I’m so stupid that I don’t suspect you of wanting to escape? And what sort of God wants animal sacrifice! It’s barbaric!” The Pharaoh replied.

3. “Jesus Christ man, just do as God told you, you’ve seen what he does to people he doesn’t like” Moses warned.

4. But the Pharaoh refused, “You guys are distracting the workers, now go away and leave me alone” he said.

5. That same day the Pharaoh sent out new orders to his people.

6. “You are to stop giving the Israelites straw to make bricks with – let them go out and collect their own, but don’t reduce the quota. They must all be lazy, that’s why they’re complaining!” The Pharaoh said.

7. So the Israelites scattered across the land to find straw, and kept failing to meet their quotas. They went and complained to the Pharaoh, but he kept calling them lazy.

8. The Israelites were tired of complaining to the Pharaoh and went and complained to Moses and Aaron instead.

9. “Great job guys, you only made things worse! See you in Hell” they said.

10. Moses then decided to do some complaining of his own, so he went to find God. “God, you said you’d perform wonders and miracles, but you haven’t done anything and the Israelites are suffering more than ever!” Moses complained.

11. “Oh yes, I forgot about you guys,” God said, “Sorry about that. But don’t worry, I still have my plan.”

Will God ever get around to helping the Israelites? Find out in the next issue of The New Bible. Oh the suspense!

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at


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