The New Bible – Exodus 4


God continues scheming with Moses and accidentally proves that it’s his fault when people are deaf, mute or blind.

  1. “What if the Egyptians don’t believe me mindlessly when I tell them that you appeared to me?” Moses asked.

2. And the Lord replied, “Throw your staff onto the ground.”

3. “I don’t see how that is going to help” Moses said, throwing his staff down.

4. The Lord, who was still in the form of a bush, did the impossible and turned it into a snake, and Moses ran from it.

5. “Come back you coward!” God shouted, “Pick it up by the tail.” So Moses did, and it turned back into a staff.

6. “Now, if they still don’t believe you, place your hand in your cloak and it will turn leprous, and if you do it again it will turn back to normal. If they STILL don’t believe you, pour water from the Nile onto the ground, and it will turn into blood” God explained.

7. “Uh, God,” Moses said, “I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and I do not think  I am eloquent enough.”

8. “Nonsense, Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?” God said.

9. “I thought it was Satan?” Moses replied. “Silence! I haven’t told you guys about him yet,” God said, “Just go, and I will possess you and ‘help you speak.'”

10. “But I’m going to need someone to help me” Moses said. “Jesus Christ! Just shut up and go already!” God exclaimed, “Take that brother of yours, Aaron.”

11. They had finally finished scheming, and Moses headed back to Egypt.

12. God was stalking Moses, and told him that all of those who wanted to kill him were now dead. That’s quite a coincidence that all of Moses’ enemies died soon after God heard about them, isn’t it?

13. “Now, I will harden the pharaoh’s heart and he will not free your people – don’t ask me why, even I don’t know. Anyway, I shall strike down Egypt’s firstborn as one of my miracles” God said.

14. Moses lodged with his family on the way to Egypt, and somehow God noticed that his son was not circumcised. God was angry, and set out to kill Moses.

15. Kind of weird how God just decided to go and kill the person he had chosen to save the Israelites, but he works in mysterious ways I guess.

16. But Zipporah, Moses’ wife, saw what was about to happen, and cut off her son’s foreskin, appeasing the Lord.

17. Moses met Aaron in the wilderness, and explained everything to him. They then traveled to the elders of the Israelites, and them explained everything to them too. Soon enough their plan was ready.

18. Without question, the Israelites believed the desert hobo and his brother, and bowed down and worshiped the Lord.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at


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