‘Protagonists’ in the Bible – Moses

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In this blogging mini-series of sorts we’ll be looking at some of the so called protagonists in the Bible, and what exactly they got up to. Seeing as the New Bible series is currently in Exodus, I thought Moses might be a good person to start with.

Moses in the Bible:

Moses was given the task by God to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and free them from the oppression of the Pharaoh. To do this, he stood there and did absolutely nothing as Aaron did all the talking and God performed all of the ‘miracles’.

Moses was raised by the Pharaoh’s daughter after he was abandoned in the Nile, but had to flee Egypt after he made his adopted grandfather angry after ruthlessly murdering an Egyptian guard in cold blood, burying him in the sand when no-one was looking. But it was okay – God hadn’t told everybody that murder was wrong yet!

But it wasn’t always so good. Shortly after God had turned himself into a burning shrub of all things, Moses forgot to circumcise his son, which he was apparently supposed to do as part of some sick covenant God had made with Abraham. God sought to kill Moses, and, instead of smiting him, he decided to come down to earth in person to do it. Luckily though, Moses’ wife remembered at the last minute, so Moses managed to stay alive.

After God had killed a few hundred thousand people and performed miracles that more closely resembled the apocalypse, Moses led his people out of Egypt, but got lost and spent 40 years wandering the desert, chasing a cloud. God, meanwhile, tampered with the Pharaohs chariots and drowned them all in an ocean.

Moses helped his people by performing miracles, like drawing water out of a rock, but they all betrayed him anyway and started worshiping idols once he climbed up a giant mountain to carve some rules into a tablet. Tablets which he immediately threw to the ground in a fit of rage when he saw what the Israelites were up to. After a lot of telling off Moses then climbed back up the mountain and then spent another week carving a new set.

Moses then spends fifteen whole chapters helping God tell the Israelites what to do and how to live their lives, before spending another five chapters building things. Moses’ kind-of-boring adventure continues into Leviticus, where he spends eight chapters telling people how to give God offerings.

After spending the rest of Leviticus talking about all of the rules everybody must follow, Numbers begins and Moses holds a census. And just when you’re ready to smash your head against a brick wall from the boredom, Moses and his people set out once more, heading for the land God promised to them, and all of their ancestors – A land that was already inhabited by tons of people.

Unfortunately the Israelites made God angry for some reason and he curses them, saying that all of them – Moses included – will not reach the Holy land. The Israelites go about looting and murdering, before finally reaching the Holy Land. Shame Moses keels over dead shortly before reaching it.

Like most stories in the Bible, this one does not have a happy ending.

So what have we learnt about Moses? He’s a murderer with anger management issues who likes to make lots of rules, laws and commandments – so he’s a bit of a control freak too.

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The New Bible – Exodus 6

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God is STILL trying to help Moses lead the Israelites out of Egypt, and although he is omnipotent and could teleport the Israelites to the Holy land or something equally extreme, he decides not to.

  1. The Lord said top Moses: “It is because of my hand that the Pharaoh will let your people go, it is because of my hand and all of the miracles I will show him”

2. “Uh, God,” Moses said, “I think you’re repeating yourself again.”

3. “I am the Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham…and Isaac…and Jacob…and Joseph…” God continued, clearly paying no attention to Moses.

4. “Tell the Israelites that I will free them from the Pharaoh, and be their God, and give them the Holy land…” God said, “hey, where are you going?”

5. “I got bored listening” Moses replied, walking off. “Just go do as I said” God ordered.

6. Moses reported all of the things God told him to the Israelites, but they did not listen. Perhaps because they had already heard all of this before and it hadn’t helped them.

7. Moses went to God again, “What do I do now?” He asked.

8. “I don’t know… try going and complaining to the Pharaoh again” God advised, clearly forgetting what happened last time.

9. “But God, the Pharaoh won’t listen to me – I’m not a good public speaker” Moses complained.

10. “Jesus Christ you are so annoying!” God exclaimed, “Just take Aaron with you then, he’ll do the talking, I’ll do the miracles, and you can just stand there and do nothing, happy?”

11. Moses was finally pleased, but before he went to the Pharaoh, God had a few more things to tell him. The Israelites will all be dead before God finally gets around to doing anything!

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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The US is a Christian nation?

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Well, it looks like the USA is a christian nation after all! Just look at all these quotes:

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise.” – James Madison

“All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.” – Thomas Paine

“The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.” – Treaty of Tripoli

“If I could conceive that the general government might ever be so administered as to render the liberty of conscience insecure, I beg you will be persuaded, that no one would be more zealous than myself to establish effectual barriers against the horrors of spiritual tyranny, and every species of religious persecution.” – George Washington

“No religious doctrine shall be established by law.” -Elbridge Gerry

“In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own.” – Thomas Jefferson

“No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.” – The US Constitution

“The civil rights of none shall be abridged on account of religious belief or worship, nor shall any national religion be established, nor shall the full and equal rights of conscience be in any manner or on any pretext infringed.” – James Madison

“Denominated a Deist, the reality of which I have never disputed, being conscious that I am no Christian.” – Ethan Allen

Oh, nevermind.

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The New Bible – Exodus 5

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God tries to help the Israelites, but only makes things worse. But I  guess he works in mysterious ways!

  1. So Moses, Aaron and the Israelite elders went to the Pharaoh. “God said that you are supposed to let us all go out into the wilderness for a few days and sacrifice animals  to him,” Moses said.

2. “You’ve got to be kidding! Do you really think I’m so stupid that I don’t suspect you of wanting to escape? And what sort of God wants animal sacrifice! It’s barbaric!” The Pharaoh replied.

3. “Jesus Christ man, just do as God told you, you’ve seen what he does to people he doesn’t like” Moses warned.

4. But the Pharaoh refused, “You guys are distracting the workers, now go away and leave me alone” he said.

5. That same day the Pharaoh sent out new orders to his people.

6. “You are to stop giving the Israelites straw to make bricks with – let them go out and collect their own, but don’t reduce the quota. They must all be lazy, that’s why they’re complaining!” The Pharaoh said.

7. So the Israelites scattered across the land to find straw, and kept failing to meet their quotas. They went and complained to the Pharaoh, but he kept calling them lazy.

8. The Israelites were tired of complaining to the Pharaoh and went and complained to Moses and Aaron instead.

9. “Great job guys, you only made things worse! See you in Hell” they said.

10. Moses then decided to do some complaining of his own, so he went to find God. “God, you said you’d perform wonders and miracles, but you haven’t done anything and the Israelites are suffering more than ever!” Moses complained.

11. “Oh yes, I forgot about you guys,” God said, “Sorry about that. But don’t worry, I still have my plan.”

Will God ever get around to helping the Israelites? Find out in the next issue of The New Bible. Oh the suspense!

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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The wage gap does not exist

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It’s drilled into everybody’s heads that for some reason, despite there being several laws against it, women get payed 77 cents to every dollar a man makes all the time, across all fields of work. But the truth is this claim is nothing but propaganda which is based on false premises and a non sequitur.

How this myth first came about was that the average earnings of men and women were calculated, and it was discovered that men on average made about 20% more than women. This average earnings figure did not include hours worked or job positions, so to somehow come to the conclusion that women are paid less than men is a complete non sequitur – the conclusion does not follow the premise.

In order to jump to the conclusion that women are paid less than men for the exact same work based on these average earnings figures means that you need to hold the false premise that men and women are all doing the same jobs and working the same hours, which is simply not the case.

And if this was true, why can nobody bring up some clear examples? The closest I’ve ever seen was when a feminist went on national television and compared janitors to cafeteria ladies – those aren’t the same jobs. If women were paid less than men, why wouldn’t companies just hire all women and increase their profits by 20%? We already see them using illegal immigrants because it’s cheaper.

Furthermore, using the exact same method, it turns out that different races make different average amounts – Asian people make the most average money, followed closely by white people, then Hispanics, then black people. How come we don’t call this a a racial wage gap? Because it isn’t.

Want to see a real case of a wage gap? Look to the modelling industry, where female models out-earn male models by up to millions of dollars. But this is based on supply and demand, similar to the sports industry, so is excusable.

So, in conclusion, the wage gap does not exist, it is instead an average earnings gap which has arisen from the different choices men and women make, and it is clearly not a case of discrimination.

Citations and further reading:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racial_wage_gap_in_the_United_States

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/02/01/no-women-don-t-make-less-money-than-men.html

There’s a huge pay disparity between male and female supermodels

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How Christian?

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One of the common criteria listed for somebody to be called a Christian is that they must follow the teachings of Jesus. But just how Christian are the majority? Here’s a few things you have to do in order to really follow Jesus:

Love your enemies

In Matthew 5;44 Jesus says to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, which is the complete opposite of God. Just how many Christians actually do that? I can think of plenty of preachers who spread hate, and the Westboro baptist church is essentially built upon it!

Don’t divorce

Jesus didn’t like divorce, and said that anybody who divorces his wife has committed adultery, and anybody who marries a divorced woman has committed adultery too.

Don’t make promises

Regarding oaths, Jesus said the following:

“But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” (Matthew 5:34-37)

Be a pacifist

Jesus doesn’t like the eye for an eye rule, so he decides to go full pacifist.

” But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” (Matthew 5:39-42)

Now how many Christians actually follow this rule? Especially the conservative ones?

Commit self-mutilation

Matthew 5 is a treasure trove of lessons from Jesus, including one where he tells you that if you look at a woman lustfully you are to gouge out your eyes, and if your hand causes you to stumble, you must cut it off and throw it away.

Your righteousness must surpass those of the Pharisees 

Jesus says that not one word in the Bible will become obsolete, and you must be more righteous than the Pharisees in order to get into Heaven – the Pharisees are the ones with the 603 OT commandments to follow.

Do everything in secret

Jesus said to pray in secret, give to the needy in secret, and fast in secret. Last time I checked, the more devout the Christian, the more they have to let everybody know how Holy they are.

Do not judge

Besides being technically impossible, I don’t think anybody in the history of humankind has ever followed this rule.

All of these teachings come from Matthew 5, 6 and 7, and are only a fraction of all of the things Jesus said and did. And it turns out very few Christians actually follow the teachings of Jesus.

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The New Bible – Exodus 4

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God continues scheming with Moses and accidentally proves that it’s his fault when people are deaf, mute or blind.

  1. “What if the Egyptians don’t believe me mindlessly when I tell them that you appeared to me?” Moses asked.

2. And the Lord replied, “Throw your staff onto the ground.”

3. “I don’t see how that is going to help” Moses said, throwing his staff down.

4. The Lord, who was still in the form of a bush, did the impossible and turned it into a snake, and Moses ran from it.

5. “Come back you coward!” God shouted, “Pick it up by the tail.” So Moses did, and it turned back into a staff.

6. “Now, if they still don’t believe you, place your hand in your cloak and it will turn leprous, and if you do it again it will turn back to normal. If they STILL don’t believe you, pour water from the Nile onto the ground, and it will turn into blood” God explained.

7. “Uh, God,” Moses said, “I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and I do not think  I am eloquent enough.”

8. “Nonsense, Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?” God said.

9. “I thought it was Satan?” Moses replied. “Silence! I haven’t told you guys about him yet,” God said, “Just go, and I will possess you and ‘help you speak.'”

10. “But I’m going to need someone to help me” Moses said. “Jesus Christ! Just shut up and go already!” God exclaimed, “Take that brother of yours, Aaron.”

11. They had finally finished scheming, and Moses headed back to Egypt.

12. God was stalking Moses, and told him that all of those who wanted to kill him were now dead. That’s quite a coincidence that all of Moses’ enemies died soon after God heard about them, isn’t it?

13. “Now, I will harden the pharaoh’s heart and he will not free your people – don’t ask me why, even I don’t know. Anyway, I shall strike down Egypt’s firstborn as one of my miracles” God said.

14. Moses lodged with his family on the way to Egypt, and somehow God noticed that his son was not circumcised. God was angry, and set out to kill Moses.

15. Kind of weird how God just decided to go and kill the person he had chosen to save the Israelites, but he works in mysterious ways I guess.

16. But Zipporah, Moses’ wife, saw what was about to happen, and cut off her son’s foreskin, appeasing the Lord.

17. Moses met Aaron in the wilderness, and explained everything to him. They then traveled to the elders of the Israelites, and them explained everything to them too. Soon enough their plan was ready.

18. Without question, the Israelites believed the desert hobo and his brother, and bowed down and worshiped the Lord.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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