The New Bible – Exodus 3

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God finally decides to do something about the enslavement of the Israelites, and he does this by telling Moses what to do… in the form of a plant.

  1. Moses was out tending the flocks of Jethro, the priest of Midian, when God spoke to him.

2. Now, instead of just showing up and being his usual freeloading self (like he did shortly before destroying Sodom and Gomorrah) he turned into a plant – and lit himself on fire.

3. Moses saw the burning bush and noticed that it did not burn up, so he went to go and get a closer look.

4. At that moment God called out to Moses, probably scaring him half to death and making him question his sanity – And God’s, for that matter.

5. “Do not come any closer, this ground is Holy, so take off your shoes,” God said, “I am the God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob… by the time this book of mine is finished this introduction will take hours!”

6. “Anyway,” God said, “I heard the Israelites calling out, and they were making so much noise I couldn’t get to sleep. I remembered my covenant, and I have decided to help them and save them from the hands of the Egyptians.

7. I will give them a new land – the one that is already inhabited by the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites.

8. And I, the all-powerful God, need your help.”

9. “What should I do? I can’t just walk right up to the Pharaoh and demand that he frees my people, now can I?” Moses asked.

10. “That’s EXACTLY what I want you to do!” God exclaimed, “Great minds think alike, eh?”

11. “Go with your elders and tell the Pharaoh that the God of the Hebrews has spoken to you, and that your people must spend three days in the wilderness to sacrifice animals to me.”

12. “Now I’m not stupid,” God said, “I know the Pharaoh will be suspicious, and won’t let you go, so I will stretch out my hand and strike them with wonders. Those wonders, of course, being horrible plagues and mass murder.”

13. God was still not finished, he was quite enjoying this scheming. “You shall also ask the Egyptians for silver and gold to put on your children, because I haven’t made a rule banning that yet. So you shall plunder the Egyptians.”

14. But the Lord still wasn’t done, and his scheming will continue in the next chapter.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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