The New Bible – Exodus 2


This chapter deals with Moses and his childhood.

  1. In order to stop the Israelites from growing in numbers, the pharaoh ordered that all male Israelite babies must be thrown into the river Nile.

2. Now an Israelite woman gave birth to Moses, and managed to hide him for 3 months, before putting him in a basket and hiding him in the river.

3. And by some coincidence the pharaoh’s daughter came down to that exact same stretch of river, and she saw the basket.

4. Being lazy, she sent one of her servants to retrieve it, and sent another one of her servants off to find someone to nurse that child, and by another coincidence found Moses’ mother.

5. She named the child Moses, and kept him as her own son.

6. Fast-forward a couple of decades and Moses was busy murdering people. He had seen an Egyptian beating one of his people, and the moral protagonist of the story proceeded to kill him. Good thing God wasn’t looking!

7. He hid the Egyptian in the sand, and the next day he found two Hebrews fighting.

8. “Hey, why are you guys fighting?” he asked. “Who made you our king? Are you going to try and kill us like you did to that Egyptian?” One of the men said.

9. “Damn it, I thought no-one was looking” Moses said, before fleeing from the pharaoh, who wanted to kill his own grandson.

10. Moses found himself in Midian, and he found a priest’s seven daughters watering their flock. A bunch of shepherds tried to drive them away, but Moses went and killed them too.

11. The daughters returned to their home, and their father invited Moses to stay and ‘gave’ him a wife. And before you know it, Moses had a son!

12. Meanwhile, the king of Egypt died, and the Israelites cried out to God, asking for his help.

13. It was only then that the forgetful God remembered his covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, so he had a look at what the Israelites were up to, and became concerned.

14. “Oh dear,” he said to himself, “I’d better do something about that.”

15. So he came up with a plan, which involved several plagues and killing at least 500,000 people.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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