The New Bible – Exodus 1


A new pharaoh rules Egypt, and decides to enslave all of the Israelites. Somehow he does this, despite being completely outnumbered.

  1. Joseph and all of his brothers died, and so did the pharaoh, and a new pharaoh came into power.

2. The Israelites had grown in numbers, soon becoming so numerous that the land was filled with them. Looks like God might have finally fulfilled one of his promises.

3. And the new pharaoh said to his people, “The Israelites have become far too numerous, we must put a stop to this before they join our enemies and attack us.”

4. “Doesn’t that sound like a bit of a conspiracy theory or something?” A soldier asked.

5. “Don’t be stupid, those haven’t been invented yet” the pharaoh replied.

6. So the conspiracy theorist pharaoh and his people set out and somehow enslaved all of the Israelites, despite the fact that they were probably outnumbered at this point.

7. The Egyptians made the Israelites build cities for the pharaoh, but the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied.

8. The Egyptians came to hate the Israelites, and instead of taking a page from God’s book and committing genocide, they just oppressed the Israelites even more.

9. Funny how God never stepped in to help his chosen people, isn’t it?

10. Finally, the Pharaoh decided his current tactic wasn’t working, so he ordered both Hebrew midwifes to kill any Israelite baby boys – that’s right, apparently there were only two.

11. But fearing God – because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you love someone, according to the Bible – the midwives did not.

12. They told the pharaoh that the Hebrew women gave birth before they could arrive. So basically, they were too slow.

13. So God, who was watching all of this, rewarded the midwives for their fear of him, and the Israelites continued to grow.

14. Still thinking of himself more moral than God, the pharaoh refused to commit full-scale Biblical genocide. (you know, like when God drowned the planet and killed EVERYONE) Instead, he ordered all baby Israelite boys to be thrown into the Nile.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at



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