One day God got bored, so he decided to make an entire universe and fill a single little planet full of life for him to watch. So he did, creating absolutely everything in six days.
He then got tired and took a nap, and the humans he had created stole his fruit, which made him so angry he cursed everybody and sent them to suffer and die.
Whilst God was busy his humans had children, who created the world’s first homicide.
Time went on, and the humans, who must have been inbred freaks by this point, built a giant tower to visit God.
This made him angry, so he smashed the tower and threw the humans all across the land, inventing languages to stop them from doing this again.
Soon enough God awoke from his nap and saw that the world as corrupt. So he drowned everyone.
But he made sure to save a handful of people and two of every 30,000,000 species on the planet. Or was that seven?
God promised not to drown everyone again, and he invented the rainbow.
Afterwards Noah, the only man who wasn’t corrupt, ran around naked in his garden, cursing anyone who looked at him.
People bred like crazy again, and God found a new guy to stalk. His name was Abraham, and he became obsessed with building altars.
After a lot of empty promises, mind changing, and waiting around, Isaac was born. Abraham took a break from building altars, renaming things, and using rocks as pillows to try and sacrifice him, but God stepped in at the last minute.
Soon enough Abraham keeled over dead, and Isaac was next in line to receive God’s empty promises. Isaac had two children, one of which was the world’s first Bigfoot.
Jacob, the other child, got angry, so bought Bigfoot’s birthright and stole his blessing, before running away and living with his distant relative Laban, where he worked for seven years in return for a wife.
But he got the wrong wife, so he had to work ANOTHER seven years for the right one!
God went away for awhile to stalk someone else, and Jacob practiced some impossible selective breeding and classic Biblical trickery.
Worried that Laban was onto him, Jacob took off with all of his people, starting the world’s first cross-country race.
As they were travelling God wrestled with Jacob and won by cheating, renaming him to Israel.
Jacob met up with his Bigfoot brother, who had taken 500 soldiers to the meeting just in case, and all was well again.
Still not receiving the land his father and grandfather were promised, Jacob had lots of children, including an annoying one called Joseph who kept having dreams.
Eventually everyone got sick of Joseph, so they sold him into slavery. You know, as you do.
Joseph ended up in prison for a crime he didn’t commit, until God returned and made him the overseer of all of Egypt. Joseph found his calling – dream interpretation – and learned that God was going to give them seven years of abundance and then starve them all – for fun.
Joseph collected all the extra grain, and when the famine begun, SOLD it to all of the people. Eventually the people ran out of money, paying instead with land and livestock.
Then they ran out of that and sold themselves into slavery. As Joseph and the Pharaoh were celebrating their little scheme Joseph’s brothers showed up, not recognizing him.
Joseph decided to mess with them, hiding silver and his cup in their grain sacks, and accusing them of being spies. Eventually Joseph got bored of this and made himself known, telling his brothers to move to Egypt with all that they had.
Jacob, whom God had renamed Israel a second time, blessed everybody and died, but not before blessing Joseph’s sons and making Joseph agree that somehow his children belonged to him now.
Everybody mourned Jacob, then traveled north, then mourned him a bit more, before finally burying him. But not before some more mourning.
When they returned to Egypt Joseph died, telling everybody that he wanted to be buried with his ancestors up north if God ever got around to giving them the land he had promised them all.
Image courtesy of Janaka Dharmasena at FreeDigitalPhotos.net