The New Bible – Genesis 48 & 49


Both Jacob and Joseph die, and some weird blessings are given.

  1. Some time later Joseph was told that his father was soon to die, and to be honest it was about time too.

2. When Joseph approached Jacob he sat up out of his bed and said to him, “God appeared to me once, he told me that my descendants number many, and the land of Canaan will be a gift to my people.

3. I know he told this to both Isaac and Abraham, but maybe he’ll finally get around to keeping his promise.”

4. “Now, the only catch is that the two sons that God gave you will be counted as mine, and any after will be counted as yours” Jacob said, being sure to carry on the tradition of weird terms and conditions, and making sure to credit God for something he didn’t do.

5. Joseph brought his two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, before Jacob, and he blessed them.

6. But he placed his right hand on Ephraim’s head when he blessed them, even though he was younger. Joseph was annoyed at this little detail, and complained about it.

7. “Now now, you know how God decides people’s life stories for them, well I thought I’d give it a try,” Jacob said, “Both will have great kingdoms, but Ephraim’s shall be greater.

8. In fact, Ephraim’s descendants shall be a group of nations!”

9. And Jacob said to Joseph, “Because I like picking favorites, I shall give you one more ridge of land in Canaan than your brothers. It’s the one that God gave to me, telling me to kill the Amorites who already lived there.

Chapter 49

  1. Jacob called for his sons and told them to gather around so that he could tell them what was going to happen in the years to come.

2. “Reuben, you are my firstborn, the first sign of my strength, excelling in honor, excelling in power. But no longer will you excel, because you went up onto your father’s bed, onto my couch and defiled it” – another one of those weird verses.

3. “I shall bless Simeon and Levi by curing them and scattering them, for their anger is too fierce.”

4. “Judah shall be a great king, while Zebulun shall live by the beach.”

5. “Issachar will submit to forced labor, while Dan will be some sort of weird bandit of justice.”

6. “Gad will be attacked by raiders.” – Wait, I thought this was supposed to be a blessing?

7. “Asher will be a good chef, and Naphtali won’t really do much of anything.”

8. “Benjamin will be like a wolf,”

9. “And Joseph… Keep on being Joseph.”

10. “And you shall all be the twelve tribes of Israel”

11. Jacob finished his weird blessing-thing, and died. But before he died he told Joseph that he wanted to be buried with his ancestors in the cave that Abraham had bought from the Hittites all those years ago.


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One thought on “The New Bible – Genesis 48 & 49

  1. “2. “Reuben, you are my firstborn, the first sign of my strength, excelling in honor, excelling in power. But no longer will you excel, because you went up onto your father’s bed, onto my couch and defiled it” – another one of those weird verses.”

    this reads like yet one more turn of phrase to nicely mention incest like Noah’s son seeing him naked, which supposedly also means a son cuckholding his father. For all of these claims of how great this god is and these people supposedly being witness to it, they certainly ignore this god with no problem.

    Liked by 1 person

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