The New Bible- Genesis 37

ID-100316079

Chapter 36 is all about boring genealogies, so we’ll skip that. This chapter is all about dreams and slavery!

  1. Jacob now lived in the land of Caanan, the land where his father stayed. For some reason God still hadn’t gotten around to ‘giving’ it to him, despite promising it to him many times.

2. Jacob’s youngest son was Joseph, and he loved him more than any of the others. Apparently it was because he was born to him ‘at an old age.’

3. Obviously, Jacob’s brothers (and maybe one sister, because most of them were boys, which is kind of unrealistic) hated him for this, and rightly so.

4. They got even more annoyed when Joseph came to them and told them of his dreams. “Listen to my dream,” he said, “We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it.”

5. And Joseph, like many of the people at the time, thought that dreams were the will of God, and he stupidly expected his brothers to bow to him.

6. No, they told him to eff off. So Joseph came back and told them of another dream.

7. “I had another dream,” he told them, “and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me.” Now he was even getting on his parents nerves, and his brothers decided to do something about it.

8. One day Joseph was out in the fields, and Jacob sent him to find his brothers. So Joseph went to the Valley of Hebron, where his brothers were supposed to be, but could not find them.

9. A man from a town nearby found him wandering the fields aimlessly. “What are you looking for?” He asked.

10. “My brothers, have you seen them?” Joseph replied. “Why yes, I have seen them. Funny how I know exactly who they are having never met any of you, isn’t it?” the man said, “They have left here, but I heard them say that they were going to Dothan.”

11. “Thanks random stranger, our hearing is only surpassed by your convenient timing” Joseph said, before travelling to Dothan.

12. Joseph’s brothers saw him coming from a distance, and they plotted to kill him. ‘Cause that’s brotherly love for you!

13. “Here comes the dreamer, let’s kill him and blame it on the wild animals” they said.

14. But some of the brothers argued that killing him was not a good idea. They eventually decided to take his robe and throw him into a cistern – whatever the Hell that is, and leave him to die.

15. So the brothers did this, but soon after they saw a caravan approaching, so they had a better idea.

16. “Lets sell him to these Ishmaelites and make some money” One of them suggested. Joseph’s other brothers agreed, and the sold him for twenty shekels.

17. They then dipped his robe in goat’s blood and took it back to his father, telling him that Joseph had probably been killed by wild animals.

18. Jacob believed this, and mourned for days, saying that he would only stop mourning when he was dead.

19. Meanwhile, the Midianites sold Joseph in Egypt to Potiphar, one of Pharaoh’s officials, the captain of the guard.

20. And notice how God never steps in once to condemn any of this.

And there you have it, family values at their finest! Don’t like someone? Kill them and blame it on wild animals! Or maybe just sell them into slavery.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vecorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s