The New Bible – Genesis 35


The last chapter was ridiculously boring, and it consisted of Jacob’s sons murdering an entire village because the son of the leader of the tribe raped Jacob’s daughter. Anyway, this chapter is much more interesting.

  1. God said to Jacob, “I’m here to give you more orders: Go to Bethel and build ANOTHER altar there, to the same God that appeared to you when Esau was marching with 400 men.”

2. And Jacob replied, “What do you mean ‘same God’? Are there more of you?” And the Lord replied, “How the Hell should I know? I’m a forgetful individual at best.”

3. So Jacob said to his people, “Destroy the foreign gods you have with you and change your clothes to ‘purify’ yourselves.

4. We must go to Bethel ’cause God told me to, and we must build yet another altar, to thank God for stalking me all these years and saving me from Esau.”

5. Jacob buried the foreign gods under a tree, and they set off. No-one pursued them because the ‘terror of God’ fell upon every town they passed. Funny how Jacob had no trouble returning to his homeland, but now he can’t step five feet without someone trying to kill him.

6. Jacob finally arrived at Bethel, and built an altar there. He continued the ago old tradition of re-naming things that you don’t have permission to, and he re-named it El Bethel.

7. Now Deborah, Rebekah’s nurse, died there. So Jacob buried her under a tree – God knows how he managed to do that! And re-named the place AGAIN, calling it Allon Bakuth.

8. After Jacob was done he and his people returned to Paddan Aram, where God blessed him.

9. “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, I shall re-name you Israel.” God said, clearly forgetting that he had already done that a few chapters ago after wrestling with Jacob and nearly losing.

10. And God said to Jacob, “I am God Almighty, now be fruitful and multiply, and your descendants…”

11. Jacob got bored listening to God’s long speech that he had already told him about five times before, so he pretended to listen.

12. “The land I promised to Abraham and Isaac but never gave them I promise to you…

13. and king will be among your descendants…” God said.

14. When he was finally finished God ‘went up’ and Jacob built a stone pillar in the place, again, re-naming it.

15. Finally, after what seemed like way too long, Isaac and Rachel were nearly dead.

16. Rachel died first, but not before having ANOTHER child at the age of over 170, and surprise surprise, it was a boy.

17. So Rachel was buried, and Jacob built yet another pillar.

18. And to this day that pillar marks Rachel’s grave – not really.

19. Jacob went to see his father Isaac, and Isaac died soon after, living to 180 and breaking God’s 120 year rule.

20. So Isaac was buried by Jacob and Esau.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at


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