The New Bible – Genesis 29


Jacob marries two people and has some kids. If God doesn’t like polygamy, he chooses not to say anything. On a related note, it’s funny how the Bible follows some people, but the other descendants are just forgotten about, isn’t it?

  1. Jacob arrived in the land of Paddan Aram, and for once decides not to re-name it.

2. He found a bunch of shepherds watering their sheep from a well with a large stone over it, and went to bother them with his questions.

3. “Where are you from?” he asked them.

4. “We come from the land of Harran” they replied.

5. And Jacob said unto them, “Do you know Laban, Nahor’s grandson?”

6. “Yes, we know him. What convenient timing, here comes his daughter Rachel with the sheep.”

7. “Look, the sun is still high, water the sheep and take them back to pasture” Jacob said, thinking that he could just give orders to random strangers.

8. When Rachel approached, Jacob rolled the stone away from the well and watered his uncle’s sheep.

9. Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to ‘weep aloud’. Proving to everybody that he was some kind of weirdo.

10. He told Rachel that he was a relative of her father and a son of Rebekah, but he probably should have said that before acting like a complete weirdo.

11. When Laban heard of this he went to greet Jacob, and said, “You can stay at my home, for you are my own flesh and blood.”

12. After Jacob had stayed there for a whole month, Laban said to him, “Just because you are a relative of mine doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work for nothing, tell me what you think your wages should be. I know that you live here and eat my food, but I’ll pay you anyway.”

13. Ignoring the fact that Laban had waited a full month before saying this, Jacob set about thinking about what his wages could be. He said to Laban,

14. “I will work for you for seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”

15. Laban agreed, and Jacob worked for seven years, but they only seemed like a few days to him. Who knows, judging by the amount of trickery that goes on in the Bible, maybe it really was just a few days.

16. While Jacob was working God got bored and went to go and stalk someone else.

17. Once Jacob was done, Laban brought all of the people together and there was a great feast. But the trickery was not over yet.

18. Laban gave Jacob Leah, his older daughter, and Jacob, probably too stupid to tell at the time, married her anyway.

19. When Jacob awoke in the morning, he was annoyed. “You promised me Rachel” he complained.

20. “It is not custom here for the younger daughter to get married before the older one, so, instead of making an exception, you’re stuck with this one. Just as well polygamy is a thing around here!” Laban said, “Tell you what, work for me for another seven years and you can have Rachel. That’s right, the term ‘buy one get one free’ hasn’t been invented yet!”

21. But because Laban was feeling generous, he allowed Jacob to marry Rachel before the seven years of work.

22. Leah had three children in an attempt to make Jacob happy; she named the first one Simeon, the second one Levi, and the third one Judah.

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