The New Bible – Genesis 28


In this chapter we have people having dreams and Isaac giving pointless orders.

  1. Isaac went ahead and blessed Jacob, even though he had stolen Esau’s blessing, he then said to him,

2. “Do not marry a Canaanite woman, go to Paddan Aram instead, and marry one of your cousins or something.

3. May God bless you and increase your numbers, just like he promised to both me and Abraham but never did, and may he give you land – the same land that he promised to both me and Abraham but never gave us. Yeah… I wouldn’t count on God that much.”

4. Isaac then sent Jacob on his way, and he did as his father had commanded.

5. Now Esau had learned that Isaac had told Jacob to go to Paddan Aram and not to marry a Canaanite, and that Jacob had obeyed, and he realized how much his father hated the Canaanites,

6. So he went to Ishmael and married another wife for no good reason.

7. As Jacob left Beersheba and journeyed to Harran it got dark, so he sat down and used a rock as a pillow.

8. He had a dream, where he saw a stairway going from earth to Heaven, which was pretty weird because apparently Heaven is not actually in the sky, at least according to most preachers.

9. “They’re either too poor or too primitive to afford an escalator, I wonder which one it is” Jacob said to himself.

10. The Lord stood at the top of the escalator I mean stairs, and he said to Jacob,

11. “I am the Lord your God, the god of Isaac and Abraham, and I am here to tell you that I will give you the land that you are sleeping on, and that your descendants will be as numerous as the dust on the earth. I hope I’m not repeating myself,

12. Anyway, I will be watching over you like some sort of weird stalker, so you’d better behave.”

13. When Jacob awoke he thought: ‘Surely the Lord is in this place,’ so he was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place! This place shall be called Bethel, as I somehow have the right to re-name it.”

14. He built a pillar, and placed his rock pillow at the top. He covered it with oil and used it as some kind of offering.

15. And Jacob made a vow that whatever he got from the Lord, he would give back a tenth.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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