The New Bible – Genesis 26

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Just after Jacob ‘bought’ Esau’s birthright there was a famine in the land, and chances are God is responsible – again. On an unrelated note, who knew people back then would murder you at the drop of a hat?

  1. There was a famine in the land, so Isaac went to Abimelek, king of the Philistines.

2. Suddenly God decided to show up, and he said unto Isaac, “Do not go to Egypt, live where I tell you to live!” And Isaac replied, “You’re not the boss of me!”

3. “What in God’s name – I mean my name – are you talking about!? Do as I say and I shall bless you” the Lord said.

4. “I shall keep the oath I made to Abraham, and your descendants shall be as numerous as the stars of Heaven” God said. “What happened to your oath with Abraham? He only had a few kids” Isaac asked.

5. “I don’t know… I work in mysterious ways” God replied.

6. So Isaac stayed in Gerar as God had commanded.

7. When the people of Gerar asked him about his wife, he lied and said that she was his sister, because back then if you had something someone else wanted they would kill you in a second.

8. When Isaac had been there for a time, Abimelek learnt that Rebekah was actually his wife, and he asked him why he had lied.

9. “Because you know how psychopathic ancient people are!” Isaac replied. “Why do you keep calling us ‘ancient people’?” Abimelek asked. “Oh, you’ll see” Isaac said.

10. So Abimelek gave orders to all the people. “Anyone who harms this man or his wife will be put to death” he said.

11. Isaac planted crops, and God blessed them, making them do the impossible and produce one hundredfold.

12. Isaac became rich, and the people of Gerar envied him, they filled in the wells that Abraham had dug before, and then realized what a stupid idea that was.

13. One day Abimelek said to him, “You must leave, you have become too powerful to stay here.”

14. So Isaac moved to the valleys of Gerar and started digging wells.

15. The herders of Gerar quarreled with Isaac’s herders over two of the wells, so they built a third, and all was well.

16. From there he traveled to Beersheba, and that night the Lord appeared before him, saying:

17. “I am the Lord of our father Abraham, and I am just reminding you that I haven’t forgotten my promise.”

18. So Isaac built an altar to the Lord and called on his name, and he built ANOTHER well!

19. After all of this Abimelek came to him with his personal adviser and the commander of his forces.

20. “What do you want?” Isaac asked.

21. “We saw that the Lord was with you, so to save our own skins we want to make a treaty with you, we never hurt you, and we sent you away peacefully, we want the same in return” Abimelek said.

22. Isaac agreed, and the treaty was made.

23. Meanwhile Esau married one of the Hittites, and this was a great source of grief for Isaac and Rebekah for some reason.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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