The New Bible – Genesis 25


Who knew that a 170 year old man could still have children and that birthrights could be sold?

  1. Abraham was done burying Sarah, so he immediately looked for another wife.

2. He found a wife, whose name was Keturah, and he had not just one son, or two, but SIX! Their names were Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah.

3. Abraham gave everything he had to Isaac,

4. but before he died, he gave gifts to his grand children and sent them away to the east. Looks like God kept his promise of Abraham having many descendants.

5. The next seven verses or so are just people having lots of kids with weird names, and there’s no need to bore people. This isn’t the real Bible, after all!

6. Now everybody knows that Abraham had Isaac,

7. and Isaac married Rebekah when he was forty.

8. Isaac prayed to the Lord because Rebekah was childless, and God, getting bored of everyone complaining to him, decided to grant their prayers instead of ignoring them to see if it would make a difference – it didn’t.

9. Rebekah became pregnant, and the Lord said:

10. “For some reason your children will become the leaders of two nations, because we don’t have enough of THOSE around! Anyway, one will be stronger than the other, but the older shall serve the younger. This is because I’m bored and I like messing with people.”

11. The oldest child was named Esau, and he was a skilled hunter, and Isaac preferred him,

12. The youngest child was named Jacob, and he preferred to stay at home in the tents.

13. Warning, the next verses are about to become stupid. If you are allergic to stupidity, read at your own risk. Readers may facepalm their faces off or lose all faith in humanity. Reader discretion is advised.

14. Once Esau was coming back from the country after a hunt, and we all know that you drop down dead if you don’t eat for a couple of hours.

15. “Quick! Give me some of that stew, I am about to die” Esau said.”

16. “Aren’t you being a bit over dramatic?” Jacob asked.

17. “JUST GIMMIE THE DAMN STEW!” Esau replied.

18. So Jacob said unto Esau, “First, sell me your birthright”

19. I warned you it got stupid.

20. So Esau sold Jacob his birthright, ignoring the fact that it is impossible, so Esau dispised his birthright.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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