The New Bible – Genesis 22


The omniscient God must ‘test’ people, and he does this by asking for a human sacrifice.

1. The all-knowing God decided to test Abraham,”Abraham!” he said, “Where in God’s name are you?”

2. And Abraham replied, “I am here.”

3. “Take your son up into the mountains in the land of Moriah, and sacrifice him to me” God said.

4. Like most people in the Bible, Abraham did this without question. He saddled his donkey and took the wood he needed, and he rode out to the mountains.

5. On the third day he saw the mountain, and told the servants he had taken with him to stay put.

6. Abraham carried the knife and a torch, whilst letting Isaac to all the heavy lifting. What a great father.

7. As they climbed Isaac said to Abraham, “we have the fire and the wood, but where is the offering?”

8. “You are the offering, dummy” Abraham replied.

9. Abraham built the altar and then tried to murder his son.

10. But before he could kill him and angel of the Lord ‘came down’.

11. “Do not kill you son, this was only a test. And congratulations, you passed. You are a mindless follower of a tyrannical God” he said.

12. And Abraham saw a ram up on the mountain, and killed it. He made the ram an offering.

13. Abraham named the place ‘Jehovahjireh’, because it was the mountain of the Lord. Of course, this is ignoring the fact that Abraham had no idea what God’s name was.

14. And the angel of the Lord said, “because you did not withhold your son and mindlessly obeyed God, your descendants will be powerful, and there will be many of them. I’m sure God told you this about three times before, but he told me to tell you again, just in case you’re an idiot.”

15. so Abraham returned and had a ton of kids. It looks like God is actually fulfilling his promise for once.

16. So Abraham returned and dwelt at Beersheba.

17. First Abraham and watched as his number of descendants grew. Milcah, she hath also born children unto thy brother Nahor;

18. Huz his firstborn, and Buz his brother, and Kemuel the father of Aram,

19. And Chesed, and Hazo, and Pildash, and Jidlaph, and Bethuel.

20. And Bethuel begat Rebekah: these eight Milcah did bear to Nahor, Abraham’s brother.

21. And his concubine, whose name was Reumah, she bare also Tebah, and Gaham, and Thahash, and Maachah.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at


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