The New Bible – Genesis 21


Abraham has a son at age 100 and ‘throws out’ his old one. He also makes a pointless covenant with the guy who stole his wife in the last chapter.

1. God finally got around to fulfilling his promise to Sarah,

2. and she had a son.

3. Abraham called his son Isaac, and Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was born.

4. When Isaac was older Abraham saw the son of Hagar, mocking.

5. So Sarah told them both to get lost.

6. And God came down to see what the fuss was about.

7. “Don’t forget, because that kid is your heir, he shall still have a great nation. So I’m gonna go and follow him around for a while” the Lord said.

8. So Hagar and her son left with a few supplies, wandering in the wilderness of Beersheba.

9. But when the water ran out she ditched the child, ‘because she didn’t want to see him die’.

10.  God heard them whining and sent an angel down to meet them.

11. “You again?” the angel of the Lord said, “anyway, God said that your child will be the leader of a great nation, and he sent me here to make sure it happens.”

12. So God ‘opened Hagar’s eyes’ and she saw a random water fountain, because we all know that’s what you find in the middle of the wilderness.

13. God was ‘with’ the child, meaning that he was following the child around and watching his every move, as he grew up and became an archer.

14. When he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran, Hagar ‘took’ an Egyptian to be his wife.

15. Meanwhile Abraham was having a good chat with Abilmelech, the guy that stole his wife for a few days.

16. “God has picked you as his favorite, and that could end badly for me,” Abilmelech said, “So I want to make a covenant with you.”

17. And Abraham replied, “What sort of covenant?”

18. “Well, you promise that God won’t kill me or my children, and I in return do nothing for you!” Abilmelech said.

19. “Deal” Abraham replied.

20. The two of them made a covenant by digging a well in the wilderness and planting a grove there. Luckily, as I said before, Abraham just carries around these supplies with him and is a trained builder.

21. And they renamed the land Beersheba, ignoring the fact that ‘Beersheba’ was the land’s name in the first place.

22. and Abraham wandered in the land of the Philistines for man days.

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