The New Bible – Genesis 20


God still doesn’t want to give the land that he promised to Abraham, so Abraham does a bit of travelling, lying, and praying.

1. Abraham traveled south from the now destroyed Sodom, heading towards the land in-between Kadesh and Shur.

2. Like he did with the Egyptians, he told anyone who asked him that his wife was actually his sister, just to make sure they didn’t kill him.

3.  And because of Abraham’s stupid idea the king of Gerar, Abimelech, took Sarah.

4. And God came to Abilmelech in a dream, saying, “Behold, you are but a dead man! Abraham is a liar, but I will ignore that, and Sarah is already married.

5. And Abilmelech said unto the Lord, “How was I supposed to know?”

6. “Good point,” the Lord replied, “I’m going to be good for once and let you live,

7. Abraham will pray for you to live, but unless you pay Abraham a ton of stuff for what you unknowingly did I will kill you.”

8. And when Abilmelech rose in the morning he called his servants and told them these things. And they all completely believed, without a doubt, this man’s crazy dream.

9. And Abilmelech called Abraham, and said, “What is wrong with you!? I might die because of your ridiculous lies!”

10. And Abraham replied, “No, no, I told the truth… a bit. Sarah is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother. And God fully approves of inbreeding.

11. I said that I was not married to her because nobody fears God, so they might kill me. God already told me that he was a terrible bodyguard.”

12. In order to stay alive Abilmelech gave to Abraham oxen, sheep and plenty of ‘servants’, which is the Bible’s way of saying ‘slaves’.

13. And he said, “My land is before you, I will give you 1000 silver. You can roam the land until God gives you the land he promised you. That pile of paperwork he has to sign must be really big.”

14. And so the Lord spared Abilmelech, and everyone lived happily ever after. Sort of.

15. The End

16. What? It’s not the end? Dammit! I still have about 65 books to go through and a ton more chapters. Oh well, see you in Genesis 21!

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at


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