The New Bible – Genesis 19


God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah because somehow there are no good people there – except for Lot of course.

1. God couldn’t be bothered to check Sodom for righteous people, ad he couldn’t even be bothered to use his omniscience, so he sent two angels down to do it for him.

2. They met a man named Lot and came to stay with him. It seems as though angels are freeloaders too.

3. Lot gave them a room and a feast,

4. but shortly after nightfall every single male resident of Sodom had crowded around the house. Word sure gets around fast there – knew guys show up and within a few hours everybody knows.

5. And they called unto Lot, saying “where are those guys that showed up?”

6. Lot came out of his house, shutting the door behind him,

7. And he said, “none of your goddamn business!

8. You won’t do anything to those men, take my daughters instead!”

9. But apparently the people of Sodom were’t interested, they said, “no deal, ow get out of the way.”

10. And the angels of the Lord smote the men by the door with blindness, so that they could not find it.

11. And the angels said, “Get your family Lot,

12. “God’s gonna really smash up this horrible city and its inhabitants.”

13. And when the morning arose the angels said “Get up, quickly, God’s about to play with fire and sulfur.”

14. So they left the city and fled to the mountain.

15. And the Lord said, “Do not look back at the city, and don’t stay in the plains either, I gave that land to Abraham. Go to the mountains.”

16. “What? So we can freeze to death?” Lot asked, and the Lord replied, “No you idiot, there’s a city there called Zoar.

17. It is a good place, and I shall not destroy it.”

18. And so as Lot and his family left the Lord rained fire and brimstone down on Sodom, and destroyed the cities of the land.

19. But Lot’s wife looked back, and the Lord turned her into a pillar of salt for no good reason. Go God! #1 at creative Biblical deaths!

20. When Abraham woke up the next day he looked over the plains,

21. and he saw all of the cities burning, their smoke going up like a giant furnace.

22. ‘what a loving god’ he thought to himself as God floated about, throwing brimstone at people and screaming ‘Smite! Smite! Smite!’ at the top of his voice.

23. For some reason Lot feared to dwell in Zoar, so he and his daughters hid in a cave.

24. And then came the thing the Bible is famous for: Inbreeding!

25. So Lot’s daughters had children to carry on his line,

26. The first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.

27. And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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