The New Bible – Genesis 18


Genesis 18 shows us that God is a freeloader.

1. And the Lord appeared to Abraham in the plains of Mamre, and Abraham sat in the tent door in the heat of the day.

2. When he lifted his head, he saw God standing there. He ran to meet him, and bowed. He was careful not to fall on his face again.

3. And Abraham said, “Hi God, how ya doin’?” Have I got your favor now?”

4. “You’re just in time for lunch. Even an all powerful God needs to eat!”

5. So Abraham went into the tent and said, “Get to work making bread and cupcakes everyone! God is here!”

6. And he went over to the herders to go and kill a calf. “Here, cook this thing” He said as he handed it to one of the herders.

7.  And he gave the meal to God, who sat under a tree and ate. You see, God is a freeloader; He shows up whenever he wants, eats your food, uses your possessions, and judges your life.

8. God said unto Abraham, “Where is Sarah, your wife?”

9. And Abraham replied, “I thought you were omniscient?” The Lord God replied, “just bring her here. And stop asking questions! I killed the last guy who asked too many questions.”

10. “As I have said before, Sarah will have a child.” The Lord said.

11. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.

12. Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age, so it is no surprise that they thought God’s idea was ridiculous.

13. And the Lord said, “Is anything to hard for the Lord? Perhaps preventing evil, remembering stuff, and not getting lost on my way to the shops, but not this!”

14. The Lord stood up and looked towards Sodom,

15. And he said, “I shall surely hide from Abraham the thing I am going to do”, and Abraham replied, “uh, God, I’m still here.” Then the Lord God said to him, “then get lost. I have important things to say to myself.

16. Abraham will surely become a great and mighty nation,

17. I know him, and he will keep my covenant, however Sodom and Gomorrah must be destroyed.

18. The cities are full of sin, and I must put everyone to death, because that’s the sort of sick, twisted sense of morality I have.”

19. And the Lord called out to Abraham, “get over here! Yes, I know I just told you to go away, but I have to tell you that the people of Sodom and Gomorrah must die!”

20. And Abraham replied, “Will you destroy the righteous with the wicked?

21. How about you spare the hundreds of people if there are 50 righteous ones there?

22. Because we all know that killing the wicked and sparing the righteous is a stupid idea, better to kill them all or kill none.”

23. The Lord said, “Good idea, I will go and spy on everyone, if I don’t find 50 good people I will kill them all.

24. But on second thoughts, I will spare them if I find forty five,

25. I will also spare them if I find forty righteous people.

26. And because I’m in a good mood, I’ll even spare it if there are only ten good people in the city.

27. But I have a hunch that there is not one good person in that city, as ridiculous as the idea is.”

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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