The New Bible – Genesis 17


God makes a covenant with Abraham – but there’s a catch.

1. When Abraham was over ninety years old the Lord appeared before him, “I am God – but you probably already know what. Anyway, I’m surprised you lived this long without medicine.

2. I shall make a covenant with you, and you will have many descendants.” And Abraham replied, “Uh…God, you’re kind of repeating yourself again.” And the Lord replied, “Am I? Oh well, I am forgetful. Anyway, I’m granting you a favor, so show some appreciation.”

3. And Abraham fell on his face – because he had tripped on a rock.

4. And God said unto him, “My covenant is with you, and you shall be the father of many nations.”

5. Abraham replied, “don’t we have to kill a few animals first or something like last time?” And God replied, “I changed my mind again, that is no longer necessary.”

6. And the Lord said, “You shall be the father of many kings,

7. and your children will also have this covenant, it’s everlasting.

8. And I shall give you the land of Caanan – but it might take a few hundred years; you won’t believe the paperwork I have to go through to give you this land. Luckily my good buddy Satan is here to help.”

9. And God said unto Abraham, “You must keep this covenant, and your children will also have to keep it.

10. Oh, but there is a catch.

11. As a token of the covenant, you must circumcise yourself.” And Abraham replied, “What is wrong with you?! That is completely unnecessary!” And the Lord replied, “Don’t question the Lord, I work in mysterious ways or something like that;

12. And you must do the same to every single one of your children, and anyone who you bought with money,

13. anyone who is born in your house, everyone who you bought with money…oh dear, I am repeating myself again.

14. And if anyone refuses then they have broken my covenant, and are cut off from my people.”

15. And God said unto Abraham, “I will also rename your wife; she will now be called Sarah.

16. And she shall bear children for you, despite the fact that she is ninety years old.

17. And Abraham fell upon his face again, and laughed, “that is impossible!” he said.

18. “Don’t laugh, I’m God. I defy the laws of nature when I feel like it,” God replied,

19. “She shall bear a child, and I already came up with a name for him; he shall be called Isaac.”

20. And the Lord God said, “As for Ishmael, that other guy who I don’t like for no good reason, he shall have twelve children, and they shall be the princes of Israel.

21. But all that will have to wait another year” God said. And Abraham said unto the Lord, “But why?” And the Lord replied, “God works in mysterious ways bla bla bla.”

22. The Lord left, floating back up into the sky, and Abraham got to work doing what God had told him to do.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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