The New Bible – Genesis 16


After God and Abraham’s chat in chapter 15, this chapter focuses on Abraham trying to have children.

1. Abraham’s wife gave him no children, but she had an Egyptian slave called Hagar.

2. And Abraham’s wife said to him, “Go to Hagar, and I may obtain children from her”, and Abraham listened to her.

3. But it took ten years for Abraham’s wife to finally get around to giving her to him to be his second wife.

4. And when Hagar had conceived, she despised her mistress for no reason whatsoever.

5. And Sarai, Abraham’s wife, said, “right, I changed my mind – oh, it’s too late. Dammit.”

6. Abraham replied, “don’t care, I’m building another altar, Hagar is your problem now.”

7. Hagar fled from her mistress, and an angel of the Lord found her by a waterfall.

8. And he said to her, “What the Hell are you doing? And where in God’s name are you going?

9. “Go back to Abraham and his wife before God smites you!”

10. “God changed his mind AGAIN about how many descendants Abraham will have,” the angel of the Lord muttered, “first it was as many as the dust on the ground…then it was as many as the stars in Heaven…now it’s so many that they can’t be counted! Good luck with that ridiculous idea.”

11. And the angel of the Lord said, “Anyway, God already came up with a name, occupation and life story for the son that you will give birth to. He will be called Ishmael,

12. and his hand will be against every man, and every man’s hand will be against him – basically God hates this guy for no good reason whatsoever.”

13. And she said unto the Lord “Do I have to look after this child as well?”, and the angel of the Lord replied, “he won’t hear you, he’s busy bowling.”

14. So Hagar bore Abraham a son, and he named him Ishmael, just like God had ordered.

15. And Abraham was fourscore and six years old when Ishmael was born.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

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