The New Bible – Genesis 15

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By  the looks of it Genesis 14 is a really boring chapter with a ton of complicated names and a few wars, chapter 15 is MUCH better.

1. After these massive wars between the kings with weird names and their kingdoms with even weirder names, the Lord came to Abraham in a vision, saying, “fear not, I am your shield…but I’m pretty bad at being a body guard, I must warn you. Anyway, you will get a great reward for some reason.”

2. And Abraham said unto the Lord, “What will you give me? Seeing as I have no heir,

3. Some guy from my house will have to replace me.”

4. The Lord replied, “Those guys can go to Hell, your heir shall be your own child,”

5. He pointed at the Heavens and said, “look up, your children will be as numerous as the stars in Heaven.” And Abraham said, “What happened to being as numerous as dirt like you said a few chapters ago?” And the Lord replied, “Forget that idea. Why are you keeping track of what I say anyway? I change my mind like…like something that changes a lot of things. What? I can’t think of anything to compare it too.”

6. And Abraham believed the Lord; and he counted it to him for righteousness.

7. The Lord God said, “I am the Lord – just in case you didn’t already know – and I give you this land, you shall inherit it. I hope I’m not repeating myself again.”

8. And Abraham said, “Lord God, how shall I know that I will inherit it?”

9. And the Lord replied, “Try killing a bunch of innocent animals and falling asleep, that seems to work for me when I want to figure something out.”

10. So Abraham killed a goat, a ram, two birds and a few other animals. He then divided them all up, but the birds he did not.

11. And when the fowl came for the carcasses, Abraham drove them away.

12. And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and a great darkness of horror fell upon him.

13. In a dream, God was with Abraham, “am I dreaming?” Abraham said, “No, I am,” the Lord replied, “Anyway, know that your descendants will be strangers in this land, they shall serve the people who already live here for 400 years.

14. And the nation that they serve shall be judged by me; to be honest I’ll probably smite them.

15. You shall go to your fathers in peace and shall die at an old age – screw the 120 year rule I made a few chapters ago.

16. But in the fourth generation they shall come hither this place again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full.” The Lord said.

17. And it came to pass that when the sun went down a burning lamp was passed in-between the pieces of dead animal. It was one of God’s weird ideas for a ritual.

18. That same day, the Lord made a covenant with Abraham, saying, “To you I give this land, and unlike when I say things normally, a covenant is a promise. Like when I said I wouldn’t flood the planet a second time.

19. The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites,

20.  And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims,

21. And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites, can all go to Hell and hang out with my good buddy Satan. This land is yours and they can take a hike!”

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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