The New Bible – Genesis 12


1. Now the Lord said unto Abraham, “get the Hell out of this old place,

2. I will make you a kingdom for some reason. And I shall bless you.

3. And just to show that I am unfair, I will bless those that bless you, and curse those who curse you.”

4. So Abraham left the city of Haran with Lot when he was 75 years old.

5. And Abraham managed to remember his wife and belongings, and he took those with him. They went forth into the already inhabited land that the Lord had given him, the land of Canaan.

6.  And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.

7.And the Lord appeared before him and said, “I give this land to you and your descendants.” And Abraham said unto the Lord, “but there’s already people living here.” “Just kick them out or enslave them, I don’t really care” the Lord replied. Abraham built an altar to the Lord.

8.  Luckily Abraham was a builder and carried all the stone and wood that he needed to build an altar with him wherever he went.

9. And Abraham journeyed, still going to the south.

10. There was a famine in the and because the Lord was in a bad mood, so Abraham travelled to Egypt.

11. But there was a famine there too. Abraham said to his wife, “now,

12. when the Egyptians see you they will try and kill me for some stupid reason,

13. So to save my own skin you have to pretend to be my sister.”

14. And it came to pass,when Abraham entered Egypt, the Egyptians did exactly as he had expected.

15. Abraham’s wife was taken to the Pharaoh’s house,

16. and the Pharaoh treated Abraham well for her sake, and he was given cows, and sheep, and camels, and plenty of slaves. The Lord never bothered to mention that slavery is immoral.

17.  But the Lord did have enough time to stop by and plague the Pharaoh.

18. And the Pharaoh called Abraham to him and said, “why the heck didn’t you tell me she was your wife! I have to put up with plagues thanks to you!

19. Now get lost, and try not to be killed by the civilians on your way out.”

20. And the Pharaoh sent Abraham and his wife away, and all that they had.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorile at – image edited by mclasper


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