The New Bible – Genesis 9


The final part of the flood story.

1. And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said, “you have a Hell of a lot of work to do repopulating the earth.

2. And the fear of you shall be on ever beast of the earth,

3. because I give you everything that moves as food. Just stay away from puffer-fish sea urchins, poison dart frogs and all the horrible things I made for fun.

4. But no cannibalism is allowed,

5. and surely your blood of your lives will I require;

6. whoever kills a man shall be killed by man – unless he falls of a cliff or something.”

7. And the Lord said, “Anyway, that’s enough small talk, you have work to do.”

8. and God said to Noah,

9. “I establish a covenant with you and your children,

10. and with every living thing on the whole damn planet.

11. I will celebrate the occasion by making sunlight reflect off of water particles in the air.”

12. So God made a rainbow.

13. “And it will come to pass,

14. that when a rainbow appears,

15. I will remember that I am not allowed to flood everything anymore.

16. The waters will come no more to destroy all flesh.” The Lord said

17. And the Lord said unto Noah “That is the covenant that I have made.”

18. And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.

19. These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.

20. Noah planted a vineyard,

21. and the corruption-free man got drunk.

22. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw him and went to get Shem and Japheth.

23. The three of them turned their faces backwards – no idea how that is physically possible though – and went to catch Noah, banging into walls and bushes on the way.

24. And when Noah woke from his sleep, he knew what his younger son had done to him.

25. “Cursed be Canaan for some reason, he will be a servant of servants,

26. and just to make things worse I’ll bless everybody else,” Noah said,

27. Japheth shall dwell in the tents of Shem, and Canaan will be thier servant.”

28. And Noah lived three hundred and fifty years after the flood.

29. On Noah’s nine hundredth and fiftieth birthday, he finally collapsed down dead. “About time too” The Lord said to himself.

Content you might have missed:

Counter Creationist was off the reader for about a week, so you may have missed interesting content like ‘All sins are equal?‘ ‘Slavery in the Bible,’ and The New Bible – Genesis 7 and 8.

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at – image edited by mclasper


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