The New Bible – Genesis 8


This chapter continues the story of Noah’s ark.

1. God made wind and expected it to blow the waters away, and he got frustrated when it didn’t work.

2. The fountains of the deep stopped and the rains of heaven were restrained.

3. After a hundred and fifty days the water had drained away – but nobody knows exactly where all of that water went.

4. the ark rested on the seventh month, on the seventeenth day, on the mountains of Ararat.

5. And by the tenth month the tops of the mountains could be seen, despite the fact that the Himalayas are much larger than this Ararat mountain.

6. Noah opened his single, tiny window,

7. and he sent out a raven.

8. And then he sent out a dove.

9. But the dove could not find any dry land.

10. So Noah waited another week, getting very bored of playing ‘I spy’ with his family. Noah sent out the dove again,

11. and this time the dove returned with an olive leaf in it’s mouth. Noah wondered how a olive seed could have survived the flood and then grown in waterlogged mud.

12. Noah waited seven days for no good reason whatsoever, and he sent out the dove again, and it did not return.

13. And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth.

14. And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, the earth was dry.

15. God spoke to Noah, saying:

16. “Well that was fun, wasn’t it!?

17. Now get off the ark, you have work to do.

18. Bring forth every animal, and try to repopulate the earth, ignoring the fact that inbreeding will have disastrous effects. But maybe I’ll invent inbreeding later.”

19. And Noah spent a long time getting every animal off of the ark and somehow redistributing them across the continents.

20. Noah built an altar to the Lord and made burnt offerings. “Noah you idiot! You just killed an entire species!” The Lord said, and Noah said unto the Lord, “which one was that?” God replied, “the dodo. But  to be honest I was going to kill them myself sooner or later.”

21. And the Lord said, “I will not again curse man and flood the planet, there are so many other fun ways I can destroy everything. Even though man will just end up exactly like he was before, what can I expect?

22. The earth will remain as it is, with cold and heat, and day and night.”

The New Bible homepage can be found here.

image courtesy of vectorolie at – image edited by mclasper.


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