The New Bible – Genesis 7


Genesis 7 continues the flood story, and there is plenty of opportunity for re-writing!

1. And God said unto Noah “Hurry up and get into the damn boat!

2. And don’t forget to take seven of every animal with you!”

3. And Noah replied, “I thought you said two of every animal?” And the Lord said unto Noah,

4. “Do not question me, now move.

5. For forty days and forty nights I shall use my giant watering can, and I’ll kill everyone.”

6. And Noah did as the Lord commanded him.

7.Noah was busy celebrating his 600th birthday when the floodwaters arrived.

8. Noah threw his family into the Ark,

9. And then spent a whole week trying to get all of the animals in without them all killing each other.

10. “Oh my God, this is hard work!” He said, “Did you call me?” the Lord said, “no, but I could use some help” Noah replied. And the Lord said unto Noah, “no way, I threw my back out last week and I don’t want it to happen again.”

11. And after the seven days, the waters came upon the earth.

12. The windows of Heaven and the fountains of the deep opened up.

13. And the rain lasted forty days and forty nights, and then the Lord got bored of watering the planet.

14. That same day Noah and his three sons went into the Ark;

15. Getting the last of the animals on-board,

16. And wondering why God had changed his mind about the amount of animals needed.

17. The Lord locked them into the Ark and swallowed the key.

18. And the waters rose and lifted the Ark.

19. The waters covered the tops of the hills and mountains,

20. God had forgotten that the altitude that high would have air too thin to breathe, so he pretended that the water was much higher than it really was.

21. Fifteen cubits upwards the water prevailed, and God was busy using a giant ruler to measure it.

22. And all that was flesh on the earth died.

23. All that had the breath of life died.

24. And everything was destroyed, but Noah had to use rocket-launchers to destroy everybody else’s boats. “What the Hell are you doing?!” The Lord said, “Those haven’t been invented yet!”

25. And the waters prevailed on the earth for one hundred and fifty days.

The New Bible homepage can be found here

 Image courtesy of vectorolie at – image edited by mclasper.


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