The New Bible – Genesis 4


This time I will be re-writing the story of Cain and Abel.

1. Adam and Eve had a child and claimed that it was God’s fault, their first child was Cain.

2. And then they did it a second time, their second son was Abel.

3. And Abel was the keeper of the sheep, whereas Cain was the tiller of the ground.

4. They decided to give offerings to the Lord, despite the fact that their parents were kicked out of his garden.

5. Abel killed a bunch of innocent sheep, and the Lord had respect for him.

6. But unto Cain’s offering he did not have respect, Cain was angry.

7. And the Lord said “Oy, what the Hell is wrong with you?”

8. “That guy is doing it better than me, I must kill him” Cain said.

9. So Cain talked to Abel, and then slew him.

10. And the Lord said unto Cain “Where is your brother, Abel? As if I don’t know already.”

11. “I dunno, perhaps six feet underground” Cain replied.

12. “What in God’s name is wrong with you!? That type of measurement hasn’t been invented yet!” The Lord said,

13. “I now curse you,

14. Whenever you till the ground, it shall not help at all.”

15. And Cain said unto the Lord, “That’s my curse?!”

16. “Yup. Oh, yea, you are also now a fugitive, anyone who meets you shall kill you.
But whoever slays you shall have vengeance on them sevenfold” The Lord replied. And Cain left the presence of the Lord and went to dwell in Nod, to the east of Eden.

17. And somehow there were now more people on the planet, because Cain found a wife and had a son, who he called Enoch. He built a city and named it after his son.

18. And he had a son, and HIS son had a son, and HIS son had a son, and HIS son had a son.

19. And that son took two wives,

20. And he had a son.

21. And another son.

22. And ANOTHER son.

23. Lamech said to his wives, “I just murdered a guy, aren’t I clever!”
And they replied “If Cain was avenged seven fold, then surely you must be avenged seventy times seven fold, which is…I wish I was good at math.”

24. Meanwhile Adam and Eve had another child, and it was…you guessed it…a boy!
They called their child Seth, who had a son of his own.

So overall in this chapter we have a murder, a curse, and a heck of a lot of children being born. I think I’ll be skipping the boring genealogy in Genesis 5 and go straight to Genesis 6 – the flood story.

The New Bible series homepage can be found here

Image courtesy of vectorolie at – image edited by mclasper


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