The New Bible – Genesis 3


1. The serpent was more subtil than any other beast the Lord God had made, he said unto the woman, “so, God said that you can eat from every tree?”

2. And the woman said unto the serpent, “yes, except for

3. that one over there. God said ‘you shall not eat from it, otherwise you’re dead meat!'”

4. And the serpent said unto the woman “no, you won’t die,

5. I know for a fact that Adam will live for another 900 years.”

6. So they both took from the tree and ate from it.

7. And their eyes were opened. They realized how stupid it was that they were talking to a snake that shouldn’t be able to speak – because it’s voice box did not support it.

8. And they heard the voice of the Lord God as he walked through the garden, and they hid from the all-knowing being.

9. And the Lord called out to Adam, and said unto him, “Where in God’s name are you!?”

10. And Adam replied, “None of your business!”

11. “Have you eaten from that tree? Oh wait, I already know” God said.

12. And the man said, “yes, but it’s the woman’s fault, not mine”

13. And the Lord God said unto the woman, “what the Hell have you done!?” And the woman replied, “It was the serpent’s fault, not mine.”

14. And the Lord God said unto the serpent “I now curse thee, you shall spend your days eating dust and moving upon your belly”

15. The serpent replied “what a shame, I was quite enjoying these legs.”

16. And God said unto Adam and Eve, “you guys are cursed too,

17. and I’m so angry I’ll even curse the ground.

18. Thorns and thistles shall now grow.”

19. And the Lord God called out to Adam, “You still haven’t told me where in God’s name you are!”

20. And Adam called his wife’s name Eve, because she is the mother of all living.

21. The Lord God personally made coats of skins, because cotton and fabric hadn’t been invented yet.

22. And the Lord God said to himself “This man is like one of us, if he eats from the tree of life he will be a God, and we can’t have that. I’ll have to kick him out of the garden”

23. And God said unto the man, “Get the Hell out of my garden, and be careful not to trample my flowers on the way out.”

24. So he drove out the man, and he placed a flaming sword that turned all ways, to guard the tree of life.

The New Bible series homepage can be found here

Image courtesy of vectorolie at – image edited by mclasper


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