The New Bible – Genesis 2

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The second post of the blog series, where I re-write the King James Bible to be as amusing as possible. Let’s get started with Genesis chapter 2!

1. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

2. And on the seventh day, God took a nap, despite the fact that he is omnipotent.

3. And God blessed the seventh day, for God’s nap-time was very important.

4. These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens,

5. And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.

6. But when the Lord God had finished his nap he took his giant watering can and made rain fall on the face of the earth.

7. And the Lord God made man out of a pile of mud and gave him CPR; and man had a soul.

8. And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.

9. And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God made a forbidden tree and put it right in the middle of the garden, the one place where the man would find it.

10. And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.

11. The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;

12. And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.

13. And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.

14. And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

15. And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

16. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, You can eat from every tree here,

17. except that big one right in the middle of the garden. If you eat it you will surely die.

18. And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. So God invented friends.

19.  And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: Adam had a heck of a big job naming 18-30 million species, most of which were re-named by other humans later on.

20. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. “What’s that one?” God asked, “Uuh…cow” Adam replied. “And what about that?” God asked, “Uhh…pig” Adam replied. “How creative” the Lord God said.

21. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he ripped out one of Adam’s ribs.

22. And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

23. And Adam said “cool, but one question, why is there a gaping hole in my side?”

24. And the Lord God replied “I’ll fix that later.”

25. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed – maybe because God made them with no brains – or at least with no knowledge of how to be civil.

And that ends Chapter 2. I am surprised at how short it is, but oh well. In the next chapter we’ll be dealing with the snake, and there is a lot of talking that I can re-write!

The New Bible series homepage can be found here

 Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net – image edited by mclasper.

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