The New Bible – Genesis 1

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So to start of a series of blog posts I will occasionally be rewriting parts of the Bible in a way that makes more sense and is hopefully as amusing as possible. The New Bible is based off of the KJB version of the Holy Bible – or should I say the UN-holy Bible.

1. In the beginning, the schizophrenic God created the Heavens and the earth, whilst the Sumerians stood by and watched in amazement.

2. The Spirit of God hovered over the waters of the empty and formless earth.

3. And God said ‘let there be light’ whilst he created photons.

4. God saw that the light was good, and he separated light and darkness – I.E. the photons from the lack of photons

5. God called the photons ‘day’ and the lack of photons ‘night’, you see God has no idea what day and night are.

6. And God said ‘let there be vault between the water that separates water from water.’

7. So God made this magical vault that separated water from water.

8. God called the vault ‘sky’. And there was evening – and there was morning – the second day. Even though the sun hadn’t even been created yet.

9. And God said ‘let the water under the sky gather into one place, and let dry land appear’. But water did not go into one place, it spread out to cover 75% of the planet – the planet that was made for man – who has no gills.

10. God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.”And God saw that it was good. But God forgot about oceans, lakes, rivers, streams, brooks, coves, inlets, swamps and gulfs. He couldn’t be bothered to name them all.

11. Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. But he forgot to include all of the plants that bear no fruit.

12.  The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. Yes, it was all free of sin!

13. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day. It took all day for God to make some plants.

14.  And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years. God fails to mention that the sun, moon, planets and stars are not just ‘lights’.

15. And let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so.

16. God made two great lights – the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. So after God makes ‘lights’ he throws out 10^24 of stars as a mere afterthought.

17. God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth,

18. to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. God is repeating himself again if you didn’t notice.

19. And there was evening, and there was morning – the fourth day. Throwing out that many stars was hard work!

20. And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” poof! a fish has been created. Poof! There is another one! “This will take all day” God said.

21. So God finally created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.

22. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.”

23. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24. And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds:the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. God had finally created all the animals, all 18-30 million species of them.

25. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And yet God fails to mention what a ‘kind’ is.

26. Then the schizophrenic God said to himself, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27. So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God is a mammal, a bipedal ape with DNA that is 98% similar to a chimpanzee. 

28. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” God never thought to say exactly how you could rule over an animal species though.

29. Then God said, “Go out there and stuff your faces, for I have made all plants for you. Just avoid the various species of deadly plants and fungi.

30. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground – everything that has the breath of life in it – I give every green plant for food. Just stay away from the few thousand deadly things I made just to have a laugh.” And it was so.

31. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

And that just about does it for now. All of the first chapter of genesis modified. Tell me what you think in the comments, I’ll be doing chapter 2 soon!

 Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net – image edited by mclasper.

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