Atheist quotes #2

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These quotes are slightly more anonymous than the ones in the first post,  and I cannot find the sources for them.

“Instead of being born again, why not just GROW UP?” 

“Darwin loves you!”

“God was my copilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.”

“God, protect me from your followers!”

“Who would Jesus bomb?”

“Fine, I evolved, you didn’t.”

“Militant agnostic: I don’t know, and you don’t either.”

“Want to see God? Keep texting while you drive.”

“Last time we mixed politics and religion, people got burned at stake.”

“It’s your Hell, you burn in it.”

“Don’t pray in my school, and I won’t think in your church.”

“Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.”

“And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that He would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence.”

“There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.”

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.”

“If god doesn’t like the way I live, Let him tell me, not you.”

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.”

“The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.”

“You keep believing, I’ll keep evolving.”

“Faith does not give you the answers; it just stops you asking the questions.”

“‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ Do not sound like the words of someone who had planned it to happen that way and knew of it in advance.”

“Science flies people to the moon, religion flies people into buildings.”

“Don’t worry, primates often have trouble imagining a universe not run by an angry alpha male.”

“The Bible has fingerprints all over it. And none of them are God-sized.”

“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it’s not open.”

“God is Perfect: Perfect beings do not experience anger or surprise towards a sequence of events they knew of in advance.”

“If you have to lie to prove what you believe, then what you believe is a lie.”

“If all the Christians who have called other Christians “not really a Christian” were to vanish, there’d be no Christians left.”

“You’ve got to question a story where the fruit of knowledge is forbidden.”

“A believer states everything must have a creator but fail to say how he was created.”

“For long you live and high you fly; And smiles you give and tears you’ll cry; And all you touch and all you see; Is all your life will ever be.”

“Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power.”

“Um, Genesis says God look a nap (just like an over-worked factory worker) on the 7th day after he’d done all that planet-building. Was the writer of that book not familiar with the exact meaning of the term ‘omnipotent’?”

“Christianity Versus Islam… two bald men fighting over a comb.”

– Unknown

Link to atheist quotes #1 can be found here.

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Bible verse of the day #17

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God is not omnipresent, nor is he a spirit. He is a bearded guy who can physically fight people. Genesis 32:24-28

24. So Jacob was left alone,and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27. The man asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered.

28. Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

So Jacob literally fought with God, and  the all-powerful God could barely overpower Jacob. This is definitely one of the weirder verses in the Bible. God renamed Jacob for some reason, but later ignored this. God even renamed Jacob a second time and still forgot that he had done it.

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why Nobody Can Get Into Heaven

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There are a few problems concerning how exactly you qualify for getting into Heaven. Jesus gives us a few steps on how to go to Heaven, let’s take a look at them.

Step 1

In Luke 10:25-28 we find this:

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

Step one is easy, but now we move on to step 2, which is a bit different.

Step 2

A certain ruler asked him, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone.

You know the commandments: ‘You shall not commit adultery, you shall not murder, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.’”

“All these I have kept since I was a boy,” he said.

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

So apparently not only must you follow the commandments that leave out rape, genocide and slavery, you must sell everything you have and follow Jesus. There are a few problems with this, firstly, many people can’t live without the latest smart phone, never mind anything else! And secondly, Jesus is dead. Even if he existed in the first place, what good is following a dead person?

Step 3

The third step is that you have to hate everyone. Jesus says in Luke 14:26 that:

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.” 

You must hate absolutely everything, which sounds really stupid. How can you honor your parents and hate them at the same time? How can you love your neighbor if you must hate them?

Step 4

John 6:53-54 gives us this:

Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.

It seems as though only a certain number of Christian denominations will get into Heaven – and that’s if they obey the other steps and Jesus means symbolically and not literally. But you can never be sure when it’s coming from that guy…

Step 5

In Matthew 18:2-3 we have Jesus saying that you must become like little children to get into Heaven.

He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said:“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

We must all act like babies to qualify for Heaven. What with this and the eating flesh and drinking blood verse, Jesus is better suited for a mental asylum than a Church!

Step 6

This next one is really insane, Jesus says that you must obey all of the 613 crazy Old Testament laws of the Pharisees.

Matthew 5:20 “For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Overview

Overall to get into Heaven you must sell everything, act like a child, follow 613 OT laws, love everyone, hate everyone, eat flesh, drink blood and believe in Jesus. Heaven must be pretty empty up there.

Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lastly, I’d like to give (yet another!) thanks to my followers – my blog just hit 50 followers a few hours ago, I am glad that my posts are being read!

Bible verse of the day #16

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This one is really hilarious, Judges 1:19

“And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.”

That’s right, the all-knowing, all-powerful God could not defeat his enemies because they had chariots of Iron. If you want to defeat God you must use iron chariots…if they are enough to stop God, imagine what nuclear warheads will do!

This just shows that the authors of the Bible do not always mean everything literally. They obviously meant that God was on Judah’s side, or at least they thought that. Like the people in the Crusades thought that God was on their side, or the Nazis thought that God was on their side. But saying that this verse is a metaphor does endanger YEC beliefs, the entire Bible could be one big metaphor for all we know!

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The New Bible – Genesis 1

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So to start of a series of blog posts I will occasionally be rewriting parts of the Bible in a way that makes more sense and is hopefully as amusing as possible. The New Bible is based off of the KJB version of the Holy Bible – or should I say the UN-holy Bible.

1. In the beginning, the schizophrenic God created the Heavens and the earth, whilst the Sumerians stood by and watched in amazement.

2. The Spirit of God hovered over the waters of the empty and formless earth.

3. And God said ‘let there be light’ whilst he created photons.

4. God saw that the light was good, and he separated light and darkness – I.E. the photons from the lack of photons

5. God called the photons ‘day’ and the lack of photons ‘night’, you see God has no idea what day and night are.

6. And God said ‘let there be vault between the water that separates water from water.’

7. So God made this magical vault that separated water from water.

8. God called the vault ‘sky’. And there was evening – and there was morning – the second day. Even though the sun hadn’t even been created yet.

9. And God said ‘let the water under the sky gather into one place, and let dry land appear’. But water did not go into one place, it spread out to cover 75% of the planet – the planet that was made for man – who has no gills.

10. God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.”And God saw that it was good. But God forgot about oceans, lakes, rivers, streams, brooks, coves, inlets, swamps and gulfs. He couldn’t be bothered to name them all.

11. Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. But he forgot to include all of the plants that bear no fruit.

12.  The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. Yes, it was all free of sin!

13. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day. It took all day for God to make some plants.

14.  And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years. God fails to mention that the sun, moon, planets and stars are not just ‘lights’.

15. And let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so.

16. God made two great lights – the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. So after God makes ‘lights’ he throws out 10^24 of stars as a mere afterthought.

17. God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth,

18. to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. God is repeating himself again if you didn’t notice.

19. And there was evening, and there was morning – the fourth day. Throwing out that many stars was hard work!

20. And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” poof! a fish has been created. Poof! There is another one! “This will take all day” God said.

21. So God finally created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.

22. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.”

23. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24. And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds:the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. God had finally created all the animals, all 18-30 million species of them.

25. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And yet God fails to mention what a ‘kind’ is.

26. Then the schizophrenic God said to himself, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27. So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God is a mammal, a bipedal ape with DNA that is 98% similar to a chimpanzee. 

28. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” God never thought to say exactly how you could rule over an animal species though.

29. Then God said, “Go out there and stuff your faces, for I have made all plants for you. Just avoid the various species of deadly plants and fungi.

30. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground – everything that has the breath of life in it – I give every green plant for food. Just stay away from the few thousand deadly things I made just to have a laugh.” And it was so.

31. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

And that just about does it for now. All of the first chapter of genesis modified. Tell me what you think in the comments, I’ll be doing chapter 2 soon!

 Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net – image edited by mclasper.

Bible verse of the day #15

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Genesis 22:2 is a good reminder of how weird the Bible can be.

Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

This verse has probably been used before quite a few times, and for good reason. Abraham should be put in jail for child abuse! Never-mind the fact that he didn’t actually kill Isaac, why would God need to do such a ridiculous thing? Especially because he already knew how loyal Abraham was – he is omniscient!

And this verse claims that Isaac was Abraham’s only son, but at the time Abraham had two sons. The Bible clearly just can’t make up it’s mind. A little while later we have Abraham naming the place after God, but according to a verse in Exodus, Abraham didn’t know what God’s name was.

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A better Bible

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The Bible is supposed to be the ‘good book’, and it is – if you cut out 99% of it. If the Bible is the good book then I’d hate to see the bad book.

The original Bible talks about how humans fell from God thanks to Satan – whilst God allowed this, and now we have to apparently live in this world, become Christian, act morally and wait for old Jesus to finally return. Problem is, the whole deal of God, Satan and religion really gets in the way, so if you cut that out you are on the way to a better version of Christianity.

If you are a Creationist and you believe that the earth is only 6000 years old and all of that; you have to believe that instead of stopping Satan before the fall of man, or not making Satan in the first place, your God did nothing and knew what would come of it. It is almost as if he wanted evil to exist…

If you are a rational Christian and accept an old earth, evolution and the Big Bang then things become a bit easier. Death, disease, injury and ‘evil’ things have existed since the beginning of the universe, and it would make sense that in order to get into Heaven, humans have to not only survive, but thrive in this harsh world. Throw out the idea of faith and most of Jesus’ teachings and you’re left with a (not all-loving) God that watches humans on earth, humans must not only survive in a world that is filled with danger, but we must also thrive and do our best to act morally. When humans die this God will judge them and give them an appropriate  fate.

This not only seems more logical than Hell, Faith and Satan, but it gives a good reason for humans to exist; a test of morality, and it also explains why God doesn’t seem to care about us. But of course we’re still left with that invisible man…watching us…all the time…

Image courtesy of Janaka Dharmasena at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Bible verse of the day #14

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Exodus 7:20-22 is an interesting one.

20 Moses and Aaron did just as the Lord had commanded. He raised his staff in the presence of Pharaoh and his officials and struck the water of the Nile, and all the water was changed into blood. 21 The fish in the Nile died, and the river smelled so bad that the Egyptians could not drink its water. Blood was everywhere in Egypt.

22 But the Egyptian magicians did the same things by their secret arts, and Pharaoh’s heart became hard; he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the Lord had said.

So apparently the Egyptian magicians can turn rivers to blood and create rains of frogs, but they just can’t handle a few lice. But nobody ever said how the magicians managed to change the Nile to blood just after Moses and Aaron had done it! The Bible also forgot to mention how all of the blood was changed back into water.

This reminds me of the fifth plague of Egypt, when all of the cattle die. However God ignores this and kills them AGAIN several times. (Exodus 9:19-20, 12:29)

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The tower of Babel

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“If God didn’t like the Tower of Babel, then he must really hate the international space station!”

– Unknown

The Tower of Babel is a pathetic explanation of why there are different languages, but to give the ancient people credit; at least they tried! And of course I’m sure that Young Earth Creationists would also accept this myth as a fact, because if you have to believe a literal interpretation of the Bible you must also believe in it’s crazy stories.

Wikipedia has this to say about it:

The Tower of Babel (/ˈbæbəl/ or /ˈbbəl/; Hebrew: מִגְדַּל בָּבֶל‎, Migddal Bāḇēl) is a story told in the Book of Genesis of the Tanakh (also referred to as the Hebrew Bible) meant to explain the origin of different languages. According to the story, a united humanity of the generations following the Great Flood, speaking a single language and migrating from the east, came to the land of Shinar (Hebrew:שנער‎). As the King James version of the Bible puts it:

4 And they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower whose top is in the heavens; let us make a name for ourselves, lest we be scattered abroad over the face of the whole earth.”

5 But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower which the sons of men had built.

6 And the Lord said, “Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them.

7 Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.”

8 So the Lord scattered them abroad from there over the face of all the earth, and they ceased building the city.

9 Therefore its name is called Babel, because there the Lord confused the language of all the earth; and from there the Lord scattered them abroad over the face of all the earth.

– Genesis 11:4-9

First off, if God is omnipresent, he wouldn’t need to ‘come down’ to see what they were doing, and he also wouldn’t need to have a look anyway, he’s omniscient! And the story makes it seem as though God really is an invisible man who lives in the sky – something Christians don’t believe anymore.

And in verse 7 we have God talking to himself. ‘Come, let us go down there and confuse their language’ – God is schizophrenic, we can add that to his list of qualities, some of which are ‘sadistic’, ‘immoral’, ‘unjust’ and ‘psychopathic’.

He then picked up everyone and ‘scattered’ them across the land – did he just pick them up and throw them? Or did he use teleportation? The verse doesn’t say exactly how it works. But this still doesn’t explain races. Were Adam and Eve white? Where they Chinese? And how did the other races originate? And why did God put the different races of humans in these specific places and make it look as if they had evolved in Africa and then spread out from there?

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Bible verse of the day #13

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Time to do a bit of debunking! This verse is Joshua 10:13

“So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, till the nation avenged itself on its enemies, as it is written in the Book of Jashar. The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day.”

I will ignore the fact that the Bible thinks that the sun and moon move around the earth and encourage a (false) Geocentric model. And I will assume that God meant that he stopped the earth, not the sun.

The earth rotates extremely quickly, fastest at the equator and slowest at the poles, in the area that the Israelites were in, the earth would be spinning at about 700 – 900 miles per hour (1125 – 1450 kilometers per hour), if God were to stop the earth from spinning, then everything on it would keep going – it would be the single most effective way to wipe all life from the face of the earth. Nothing would be left standing, it would all be flying away at over 700 miles per hour.

Even if God stopped all things on the surface of the earth as well as the earth itself, there would still be problems. If the earth didn’t move then clouds would stop moving, the atmosphere and water would begin to group at the poles and the electromagnetic field that protects the earth would fade away, exposing the planet to harmful solar wind. All of this would have at least left behind some side-effects.

But that isn’t the only thing that debunks this verse. If the earth really did ‘stand still’ God would also have to stop the earth in it’s orbit. The earth is moving at a speed of 67,000 miles per hour, which is equivalent to 30 km/s. If God stopped the planet in its’ orbit, everything on one side of the planet would be crushed, squished flat against the earth, and everything on the other half would be sent flying into space. The Israelites would have left the earth’s atmosphere in about 3 seconds!

And just to make it even more ridiculous, a few verses before God does the scientifically impossible, we find him throwing giant rocks at his enemies’ army. Why would he go from using a giant slingshot to holding the earth still?

Just an extra note, I find it very amusing that Joshua 10:14 says that ‘there has not been a day like it before or since, when the Lord listened to a human being.’ God has never listened to what a human has to say before, and he never will!

Image courtesy or Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net